Greatest Hazzardian Hero -- Act Three
(Ralph collides head-on with the General Lee and plummets into the water.
The General Lee lands on the other side of the creek bed and Bo slams
on the brakes as fast as he can. He and Luke look back at the creek,
LUKE: Any ideas what in the heck that was??
BO: I ain't got the slightest. I mean, it was too BIG to be a bird....
LUKE: You got that right. It was too small to be a plane, either.
(Bo looks at Luke and smirks)
BALLADEER: Friends, y'all might wanna block yer ears.....cause ya know
BO: Ya reckon maybe it was Superman?
LUKE: Not likely. But we best get back there and make sure it's ok, whatever
(Bo turns the General Lee around and drives to the edge of the creek
bed. We see a soaking wet Ralph walking out of the water. Bo and Luke
climb out of the General Lee and approach him.)
BO: Uh, Luke....you sure about it not bein' Superman?
LUKE: Believe it or not, cousin, I think that's Ralph.
BO: Ralph, you alright there, partner?
RALPH: I'm fine, guys. Thanks. How's your car?
LUKE: The General's fine. Don't worry about it. But, listen, Ralph....how
did you manage to get that high up in the air like that? You climb
a tree or somethin'?
BO: Yeah, you really aughtta be more careful than that....yer liable
to get hurt pullin' a....stunt like that.
RALPH: Look, fellas, it's alright. You don't have to pretend like you
don't see me wearing this silly outfit. I know I look like something
out of a Saturday morning cartoon. but believe me, I can exlpain it.
BALLADEER: While Ralph was busy trin' to make the improbable seem logical,
Bill was tryin' to find the abandoned barned he had described before
he went to rescue the boys.
(Switch to Bill driving aimlessly in his car)
BILL: (into mic) Ralph, where are ya?? I can't find this barn anywhere.
You're supposed to be talkin' me in.
(switch to Ralph taking hic mic out of his sleeve)
RALPH: Excuse me for a second, guys. (into mic) I'm here, Bill. Listen,
I had a little accident with the Dukes. We're at a creek about a half
mile from the barn.
BILL: (sarcastically) Oh, wonderful. Does this mean....?
RALPH: Yes, Bill. They know about the suit.
BILL: Terrific. Alright. Hang on, kid. I'm on my way.
(switch back to Ralph, Bo, and Luke. Ralph has explained the long and
short of how he got the suit.)
BO: So, you're tryin' to tell us that....aliens gave you that fancy suit?
RALPH: That's right. And I can tell ya that's worked to my advantage
on more than one occasion.
BO: Waddaya think, Luke?
LUKE: Well, I gotta admit, it sounds pretty far-fetched. On the other
hand, it does a whole lot to explain what a school teacher's doin'
spendin' all his time with a Fed.
(Bill pulls up in his car and approaches the group)
BILL: Ok, boys. Show's over. Everbody have a good laugh at my partner,
here? Good, cause you two have stumbled onto one of the greatest investigation
tactics ever developed by the federal....
RALPH: I told them the truth, Bill.
BILL: ....And you told 'em the truth. Ralph, why do you do these things
RALPH: Because these boys aren't dumb, Bill, like you'd like to believe.
And I thought that, maybe, if I told them the truth about the suit
and what we were here for, they could help us out.
BILL: Ralph, you know I can't bring civilians in on a federal case like
RALPH: You mean like you do to me?
LUKE: Hey, y'all, I don't mean to interrupt, but what's so hard about
this case that you need our help on it?
RALPH: I'll tell ya what, you know that guy, J.D. Hogg that runs this
town? It turns out he's as big a moonshiner as anyone else in this
town and he made a big deal.....
LUKE: ....With Joe Barnes for a hundred Gs for a batch of shine. Yeah,
we know all about it.
BILL: (confused) Wait a second, how do you two know about all this?
BO: Well, nine times outta ten, Boss tries to pin his schemes on us....
LUKE: So we tend to keep pretty close tabs on him. We were listenin'
outside his office window.
BILL: Eavesdropping? Very illegal, boys. Especially when it involves
a federal investigation.
LUKE: Well, as long as we're on the subject of eavesdroppin', how the
heck did you guys know about Boss's moonshine deal?
RALPH: I kinda made myself a fly on the wall while he was meeting with
BILL: Ralph, anytime you feel like zippin' it will be just fine by me.
RALPH: What for, Bill? They already know most of it. They might as well
just know everything. (to Bo and Luke) See, flying is just one of the
suit's powers. When I have it on, I'm basically invulnerable, I can
run as fast as any car, and I can turn myself invisible.
LUKE: That's why we never saw you leave your car at the court house.
You turned invisible and walked in right beside Barnes and his croney.
RALPH: That's right. Oh, and Bo...sorry to bump into you like that. But
anyway, Barnes isn't interested in moonshine at all. That's just a
cover-up for the guns he plans on smuggling across the boarder into
BO: Well don't that beat all! Boss has done some pretty shady stuff in
his time, but I never thought he'd stoop to gun-runnin'!
RALPH: And he still hasn't. He doesn't know anything about the guns.
He really thinks this is the biggest moonshine deal of his life.
LUKE: So, somebody's gotta warn him that he's about to get himself into
a lot more trouble than he can handle. Trouble is, he ain't likely
to listen to either of us. And you two would have an even harder time
explainin' how you know anything. Seems to me, there's only one person
he might even consider hearin'.
BO: Uncle Jesse?
LUKE: You got that right. (to Ralph and Bill) See, our Uncle Jesse used
to be ridgerunnin' partners with Boss til me and Bo got busted makin'
a run. In exchange for us gettin' probation instead of doin' time,
he promised the federal government he's stop makin' shine. Boss Hogg,
on the other hand, kept right on goin'. And, well, ya see the trouble
he gets himself into.
RALPH: What do you think, Bill? You want to go see these boys' uncle
and try to get him to talk some sense into this J.D. Hogg?
(Bill starts to walk away in defeat)
BILL: Why Not....I doubt Carlisle would have anything to say about me
turnin' a federal case over to the Hatfields and the McCoys...
(Bill gets in his car and waits for the Ralph and the boys)
LUKE: (to Ralph) Hey, uh....is he always like this?
RALPH: No, not always.....sometimes, he's really irritating.
(Switch to Boss Hogg's still, where he and Rosco are making Joe Barnes'
BALLADEER: While the boys was leadin' Ralph and Bill back to the farm
to see if Uncle Jesse could talk Boss outta makin' that shine deal
with Joe Barnes, Boss and Rosco was already hard at work. Now, y'all
gotta realize that it only takes a couple hours to make a batch of
shine. So, with the deal Boss has with Barnes, he's makin' about fifty
thousand dollars an hour. Friends and neighbors, if ol' Uncle Jesse
can talk Boss outta that, I say we give him a crack at the national
ROSCO: Boss, I been thinkin'....
BOSS HOGG: Again?? Boy, that hamster must be worn to a nub by now.
ROSCO: Listen, Boss, what are we gonna tell those two feds if they find
this still and all this shine before noon tomorrow?
BOSS HOGG: Oh, for heaven's sake, Rosco! Can't you even keep up with
your own train of thought?! I already sent 'em on a wild goose chase
by tellin' 'em that the Dukes was the biggest ridgerunnin' family in
the entire county. Now, if by any strange chance, they do happen to
stumble onto this here still, we just tell 'em that it belongs to the
Dukes (Holds up a jug of moonshine) and we caught 'em red-handed! (laughs)
ROSCO: Oooohhhh....I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!!
(Switch to General Lee, followed by Ralph and Bill's tan sedan approaching
the Duke farm)
BALLADEER: The boys was just gettin' back to the farm with Ralph and
Bill. (we see Ralph buttoning his shirt) And Ralph was gettin' back
into his normal clothes. Kinda makes ya wonder how Superman ever did
it so quick in a phone booth, don't it...
(Bill sits in his seat, hands clutching the steerign wheel, staring at
Uncle Jesse and Daisy as Bo and Luke approach them and start explaining
RALPH: What's worng, Bill?
BILL: (gritting his teeth) Nuthin'. Nuthin' at all. I'm just watchin'
the ins and outs of a federcal case bein' explained to Uncle Jed and
Ellie May, that's all.
(Ralph and Bill leave their car and approach the Dukes)
LUKE: Unlce Jesse and Daisy, I'd like ya to meet Ralph Hinkley....
(Ralph shakes hands with Uncle Jesse and Daisy)
LUKE: And Bill Maxwell.
BILL: (shaking hands with Uncle Jesse and Daisy) Hi. Maxwell, FBI Los
UNCLE JESSE: Los Angeles?? Luke, has this got anything to do with that
call you got from Enos earlier?
LUKE: Well, sorta, but I ain't got time to explain all that to ya right
now. Boss has got a big moonshine deal goin' with Joe Barnes...
UNCLE JESSE: JOE BARNES?? Has he lost his mind?! I swear, that J.D.'d
make shine for Atilla the Hun if the price was high enough!
BO: See, that's just the problem, Uncle Jesse. Barnes ain't interested
in shine at all.
LUKE: That's right. The shine is just a decoy so Barnes can smuggle guns
across the boarder into Mexico.
DAISY: Oh, come on, Luke. Boss is greedy, but he'd never have nuthin'
to do with anything like that.
UNCLE JESSE: Daisy's right, Luke. J.D. is crooked, but he ain't THAT
LUKE: But Boss don't know nuthin' about the guns. He really thinks he's
gettin' a hundred thousand dollars for a batch of shine.
BO: That's right. Luke and me was gonna go talk to him ourselves....
LUKE: But we figured the odds of him listenin' to either of us was pretty
RALPH: Right, so the boys thought that maybe, since you're his ex-partner,
Mr. Duke, he'd listen to you.
LUKE: Actually, Ralph, I did a little thinkin' about that on the ride
over here. If we stop Boss Hogg from sellin' his shine to Barnes, Barnes'll
just find somebody else. We gotta let 'em make the deal, them we get
Barnes for the guns AND the shine.
BILL: Much as I hate to admit it, you got a point there, slick. Come
on, Ralph. There's plenty of time between now and noon tomorrow to
come up with a plan of attack. Listen, boys, thanks for all your help.
We'll take it from here.
LUKE: Listen, Bill, me and Bo...we know how Boss and Rosco think. We're
pretty good at figurin' out their next move. Why don't you let us come
along and help ya out?
BILL: Sorry, boys, no can do. I can't bring civilians in on a federal
BO: No civilians?? Now, hold on just a second! What about....
LUKE: (holding Bo back) Bo, there ain't no use agruin' with him. You
heard what he said. Now, come on. We gave 'em all the help we could.
It's their show now. (shakes hands with Ralph and Bill) Glad we could
help ya out. Listen, we always have our CBs on and tuned to channel
19. Don't be shy. Y'all holler if ya need us.
RALPH: Thank you very much, boys. We'll be sure to keep that in mind.
(shakes hands with Unlce Jesse and Daisy) Nice meeting you, Mr. Duke...Miss
BALLADEER: If y'all are wonderin' why Luke gave in so easy, he and Bo
had promised Ralph and Bill that they wouldn't tell nobody about their
secret. And that included Uncle Jesse and Daisy. So, when the arguement
came up, he had no choice but to concede.
UNCLE JESSE: Well, now that that's all settled, did you boys catch anything
LUKE: We sure did, Uncle Jesse. We'll take 'em inside now and start cleanin'
UNCLE JESSE: You do that. Meantime, Daisy and me got chores to do.
(Luke takes the fish out of the General's trunk and he and Bo head into
DAISY: Uncle Jesse, do you get the feelin' there's somethin' the boys
ain't tellin' us about those two fellas?
UNCLE JESSE: Yeah, I do. But I also know them two ain't never kept nuthin
from us without havin' a good reason. I'm sure this time ain't no different.
When the time eventually comes that they can tell us about it, they
(switch to Bo and Luke entering the house)
BO: Luke, I don't get it. I ain't never known you to give in so fast
LUKE: Bo, I had to give in. A promise is a promise. We swore to Ralph
and Bill that we wouldn't tell no one about that suit of theirs. And,
much as I don't like it, that includes Uncle Jesse and Daisy. But don't
worry. I already got a plan in mind for tomorrow.
BO: Oh, yeah? What're we gonna do?
LUKE: Simple. A little bit before noon, we go hide up in the hills near
Boss's still. That way, if they get themselves into any kind of trouble,
we'll be there to bail 'em out.
BO: What kind of trouble could they get in that Ralph and his fancy suit
can't get 'em outta?
LUKE: I'll tell ya what...now, we seen that suit turn invisible and fly.
But what we ain't seen it do is dodge a bullet.
(Switch to Ralph and Bill in their car)
BILL: Ok, kid, here's the scenerio I got worked out for tomorrow. At
about a quarter to noon, you're gonna head up to Hogg's still incognito....
RALPH: you mean invisible?
BILL: Same thing. Tomato, tomahto. And then, once the deal goes down
and you know the time is right...WHAM-O! You make your presence known,
throw the bad guys around a little if necessary, I come in and make
the bust, and we take 'em away for a nice extended visit to the federal
RALPH: I think we should keep an eye out for the Dukes while we're up
BILL: What for? We told 'em we didn't need 'em anymore. They're out of
RALPH: (shakes head) I don't think so. (turns to face Bill) Even though
there's obviously no love lost between them, the Commissioner, and
the sheriff, I think they're genuinely concerned for their safety.
BILL: (very skeptically) Don't be ridiculous. They're enemies. Haven't
you picked up on that by now? And enemies don't help each other, EVER!
RALPH: What about you and Tony Billacona? There's never been any love
lost between you two, yet every time he's needed help, you've given
it to him.
BILL: That's different, Ralph. Every time that kid gets into trouble,
he comes runnin' to you, you come runnin' to me, and you threaten to
hang the suit up and hang me to dry right beside it if I don't help.
RALPH: Well, at any rate, I still think we should keep an eye out for
BILL: Fine. How hard could it be, anyway? They'll probably be drivin'
that clown car of theirs.
(Switch to a road near Boss Hogg's still at 11:45 the next day. The General
Lee approaches, pulls over, and Bo and Luke climb out)
BALLADEER: The next day, things started happenin' fast. Bo and Luke was
headin' up to their hidin' spot just above Boss's still.
(Switch to the other end of the road, where Ralph and Bill pull up in
their car and Ralph changes out of his normal clothes.)
BALLADEER: And, at the same time, Ralph and Bill had shown up and Ralph
was gettin' ready to take to the air.
BILL: Alright, kid, do just like we planned. Get up there and as soon
as you think they'll be able to see ya, pop out. And don't pop back
in til the deal is done.
(Ralph take three steps, jumps, and is airborn. Switch to Bo and Luke
hiding behind a rock, watching Boss Hogg and Rosco)
BO: There's Boss and Rosco gettin' everything ready for the deal with
(Luke looks off into the distance, to the left)
LUKE: They ain't the only ones gettin' ready for Barnes...take a look.
(The boys watch Ralph flying towards them, his arms and legs flailing
BO: (chuckling) Ya'd think the aliens that gave Ralph that suit woulda
gave him some kind of instructions on how to fly and stuff like that.
LUKE: (shrugs) Who knows, maybe they did and he lost them. But that ain't
important right now. We're up here to watch Boss and Rosco.
(We see the still from Bo and Luke's point of view. Barnes pulls up in
his black sedan, followed by his driver in the delivery truck. Both
get out of their respective vehicles)
LUKE: There's Barnes, right on schedule.
BO: (looking all around) Yeah, but I don't see where Ralph went.
LUKE: Don't worry about Ralph. I figure he can take care of himself.
Besides, If he's here, Maxwell's gotta be here too, watchin' the whole
thing. If he sees Ralph in trouble, he'll come runnin'. Right now we
just gotta get closer so, when the time comes, we can make our move.
(Bo and Luke tiptoe closer to the still to get a better chance to sneak
up on Barnes.)
BALLADEER: Luke figured that if he and Bo was gonna have any shot at
rescuein' Boss and Rosco, they was gonna have to sneak up on Barnes,
so they started to move in closer.
(Switch to Ralph crash-landing on the other side of the hill. He regains
his balance, then disappears.)
BALLADEER: Ralph had the same idea as Luke. Only, his way was a might
easier. Y'all realize how much trouble it would save the Dukes if they
had one of them fancy suits?
(Switch to Uncle Jesse's truck pulling up next to the General Lee)
BALLADEER: With the boys bein' so secretive about what Ralph and Bill
wanted with them, and takin' off this mornin' without sayin' nuthin,
Uncle Jesse and Daisy decided to follow 'em. And, even though the General
had a pretty good head start on them, Uncle Jesse figured that, with
all the talk about Boss Hogg's still yesterday, that was probably where
they was headed.
DAISY: Uncle Jesse, I don't see the boys around here anywhere...
UNCLE JESSE: Well, the General Lee is here, so they can't be too far.
(Unlce Jesse spots Boss Hogg talking to Barnes)
UNCLE JESSE: But there's J.D. and Joe Barnes. I'm gonna go over there
and see if I can talk some sense into him.
(Switch back to Bo and Luke. Luke sees Uncle Jesse approaching the still.)
BO: Boy, Barnes sure is takin' his time makin' the deal with Boss. I
can't imagine what's takin' him so long if all he's buyin' is a decoy.
LUKE: That's the least of our worries right now. (nods to the right)
Look over there. They must've followed us.
(switch back to Uncle Jesse approaching the still)
UNCLE JESSE: J.D., I gotta talk to ya. It's important. You're makin'
a big mistake right now. You don't know what you're gettin' yourself
BOSS HOGG: Jesse Duke?? What in tarnation are you doin' here?! Now you
listen, this here's a private business transaction between me and my
customer. Now, you just be on your way before I have Rosco arrest ya
for tresspassin' on private property!
UNCLE JESSE: Tresspassin' ?! On an illegal moonshine still?? J.D., I
ain't goin' nowhere til you hear me out! Don't you find it the least
bit peculiar that he's payin' you a hundred thousand dollars for one
batch of shine??
ROSCO: (interrupting) Y'see?! I tried to tell ya that, but you wouldn't
listen!! Now look at the mess ya got us into! (Looks confused, at Uncle
Jesse) What kind of a mess did he get us into?
UNCLE JESSE: Barnes ain't interested in shine at all! He's just usin'
as a decoy so he can smuggle illegal guns across the boarder!
(Switch back to Bo and Luke wincing at Uncle Jesse revealing their knowledge)
BALLADEER: Right about now, I'm bettin' the boys wish they had told Uncle
Jesse and Daisy about Ralph and his magic suit. Cause right now, Barnes
thinks that he and his lacky was the only ones that knew about their
plan. So he thinks his lacky must've talked to somebody, and that somebody
got the word back to Uncle Jesse. Friends, these shade tree deals do
get complicated, don't they...
(Switch back to Boss Hogg's shocked reaction)
BOSS HOGG: Mr, Barnes, is that true??
BARNES: (pulling a pistol out of his jacket) Alright, old man, I don't
know how you found out about that....but you're about to regret that
mouthful you just said!
(Bo and Luke approach and move in to jump Barnes and his lacky)
LUKE: Now, Bo!!
(Bo and Luke leap into the air at Barnes and his driver. Barnes turns
and fires his pistol. Scene freezes)
BALLADEER: Now, I don't care how bad of a shot he is. At that close rang,
there ain't no way he's gonna miss. I'm just afraid to look and see
what it is he didn't miss....
End Act Three
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