Dukes/West Side Story Crossover

[Jamanda]

Okay, here we are again with the musicals. Go Tom Wopat!

WHEN YOU'RE A JET

Bo and Luke are goofing around on the farm after losing Rosco, who was chasing them for going through a phoney speed trap.

Luke
When you're a Duke,
You're a Duke all the way
There’s a system to fight
You’ve got something to say!

Bo
When you're a Duke,
If the spit hits the fan,
You got cousins around,
You're a family man!

Both
You're never alone,
You're never disconnected!
You're home with your own:
When Rosco is expected,
You're well protected!

Jesse <coming out of the barn>
When you’re a Duke
You’re a Duke through and through
Be your name Bo or Luke
YOU STILL GOT CHORES TO DO!

Bo and Luke: Yes Uncle Jesse.

Meanwhile, Boss is lecturing Cletus about his heritage.

Boss
When you’re a Hogg
You’ve got money to make
You can pass off a bog
For a blue shiny lake

When you're a Hogg
You're the top man in town
You're the gold medal man
With the heavyweight crown!

Rosco comes in grumpy after having lost the Duke boys again.

Rosco: He ain’t kiddin’ about heavy.
Boss: ROSCO! Don’t interrupt.

Boss
You don’t have to pay
Anybody you don’t want to
Just swindle your way
And turn around until you
Get them to pay you!

Boss: Now get out there and find something…ANYTHING…to get those Duke boys for.
Cletus: Yes cousin Boss.

Boss goes off to the Boar's Nest just as Enos comes in.

Cletus: But Bo and Luke ain’t done nothin’.
Enos: We ain’t gonna frame them again are we Sheriff?
Rosco: Oh don’t you two dipsticks know anything?

Rosco
When you're a cop
You're the pillar in town
You’ve got crooks to arrest
And Dukes to bring down

When you’re a cop
You’ve got orders to take
Cuz you took the oath
And you have to obey.

All Three
The force is in gear,
Our cars are up and rollin’!
The Dukes’ll stay clear
'Cause they know we’re patrollin’
We’ll cuff ‘em and hold ‘em!

Here come the cops
With our badges and guns
Someone gets in our way,
They know they oughta run!

Here come the cops
All you Dukes step aside!
Better go underground,
Better run, better hide!

We're drawin' the line,
So keep your noses hidden!
We're hangin' a sign,
Says "All you Dukes forbidden"
And we ain't kiddin'!

Here come the cops
And we’re gonna chase
Ev'ry last buggin' Duke
To a cell up the state.
Right up
to
prison
up
state!
Yeah!

[Jamanda]

AMERICA

Enos: I don’t know Sheriff. I don’t like it when we’re always framing the Duke boys.
Rosco: Now Enos. Don’t you start threatnin’ me again.
Cletus: With what?
Rosco: With going back to Californy, that’s what.
Enos: It was a lot better there…
Rosco: Oh, there he goes again.

Enos
Hazzard County
My own hometown
Sure bogs a lawman down
Always the Boss bellowing,
Never my paycheck growing,
Always money owing.
And the sunlight streaming,
And the locals steaming.
I like the state California,

Cletus
But what’s so bad about Georgia?

Enos
I want to go back to Los Angeles
Plenty to do in Los Angeles
Respect from you in Los Angeles –

Rosco
They hire dipsticks in Los Angeles?

Enos
Plenty of beaches to lie on

Cletus
What’s wrong with swimming in Hazzard pond?

Enos
There I get my own patrol car

Rosco
The way you drive, it won’t get far.

Enos
Skyscrapers bloom in Los Angeles.
Cadillacs zoom in Los Angeles.
Plenty of room in Los Angeles.

Rosco
Crime is in boom in Los Angeles

Enos
Many more people in one space.

Cletus
They’ll rob you blindly with that face.

Enos
I’ll get a terrace apartment.

Rosco
Better get rid of your accent.

Enos
Life was so bright in Los Angeles

Cletus
You said there were fights in Los Angeles

Enos
I should go back to Los Angeles

Rosco
If they let you back in Los Angeles

[Jamanda]

<Okay, we know the romantic songs from this musical are cheesy, but we had to include them to make it all work. Bear with us here.>

COULD BE

Later that day, Enos and Cletus are sitting at a speed trap.

Cletus: You ain’t really gonna go back are ya?
Enos: Maybe I should. After that wedding and all…
Cletus: Oh come on. Those hives were a copout and you know it!
Enos: Yeah, they were. But she was marrying me for the wrong reasons.
Cletus: That doesn’t mean she don’t want to for the right ones.
Enos: I dunno Cletus. I got a funny feeling about somethin’.
Cletus: Like what?
Enos: I dunno. I have a feelin’ somethings gonna happen.
Cletus: Oh you never know anything.

Enos
Could be!
Who knows?
There’s something’ due any day;
I will know right away
Soon as it shows.
It may come cannonballin’
Down through the sky,

Gleam in its eye,
Bright as a rose!
Who knows?

Cletus: You certainly don’t. You’re a dipstick.

Enos
It’s only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Under a tree.
I got a feelin’ there’s a miracle due,
Gonna come true,
Comin’ to me!

Cletus: Only thing comin’ to you is another lecture for not bringin’ in enough traffic tickets.

Enos
Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something’s coming, something’ good,
If I can wait!
Something’s comin’, I don’t know what it is
But it is
Gonna be great!

With a click, with a shock,
Phone’ll jingle, door’ll knock
Open the latch!
Something’s comin’, don’t know when,
But it’s soon--
Catch the moon,
One-handed catch!
Around the corner,
Or whistling’ down the river,
Come on -- deliver
To me!

Will it be? Yes, it will.
Maybe just by holdin’ still
It’ll be there!
Come on, something’, come on in,
Don’t be shy,
Meet a guy,
Pull up a chair!

The air is hummin’,
And something’ great is comin’!
Who knows?
It’s only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach.
Maybe tonight.

Cletus: Beach? There ain’t no beach around here…

[Jamanda]

MARIA

Later on break, Cletus and Enos go into the Boars Nest just as Bo and Luke are leaving.

Cletus: Should we go after them you think?
Enos: We’re on break. Let the Sheriff do it. That way we ain’t gotta do nothin’ dishonest.
Cletus: Uh oh. Some ugly dude noticed they left too and is going after Daisy.
Enos: WHAT!?

Ugly Dude: Hey baby. Now that yer meddlin’ cousins ain’t around…
Daisy: Get your hands off of me!
Ugly Dude: Soon as I get a kiss.
Daisy: LET GO!
Cletus: Um…Is he bothering you Daisy?
Ugly Dude: Oh shove off Chubby…I’m busy.
Cletus: Hey!
Enos: Cletus, people like this only know one language.
Cletus: What’s that?

POW! Enos flattens the guy.

Enos: A right hook.
Cletus: Shall I take him in for harassment while you uh…make sure the victim is okay?
Enos: Yeah…do that.
Cletus: Come on fella…you don’t know how lucky you are…calling me chubby is one thing, but messing with his girl? Not smart fella, not smart.

They leave as Enos checks on Daisy, who’s a bit shaken.

Enos: Are you all right Daisy.
Daisy: I…I think so. I am now Enos.

Daisy looks up at him and suddenly sees him in a whole new light.

Daisy: You…you ain’t ever done that before.
Enos: <shrugs> I never had to. They were always dumb enough to do that in front of Bo or Luke before.
Daisy: This time they were dumb enough to do it in front of you.

Enos blushes and Daisy kisses his cheek.

Daisy: Thanks Enos.
Enos: Shucks Daisy. I better go help Cletus now.

Daisy is dumbfounded. She goes on break and wanders out into the parking lot.


Daisy
Enos . . .
(sings)
The most wonderful man I ever met:
Enos, oh Enos, oh Enos, oh Enos
All the time I've known him in a moment...
Enos, oh Enos, oh Enos, oh Enos
Enos!

I've just kissed a man that’s named Enos,
And now I know that name
Will never be the same
To me.
Enos!
I now love a man who’s named Enos,
I know now I have again
The most wonderful of men
Is he!
Enos!
To some he may just be a deputy
But now I know how much he means to me

Enos!
I'll never stop thinking of Enos!

The most wonderful man I ever met.
Enos.

[Jamanda]

COOL

Meanwhile, Bo and Luke are being chased again by Rosco. They manage to lose him by making him go into the pond, but not before he CB’s Cletus and Enos to hunt them down.

Bo: Boy, he makes me so mad! I’d like to pound some sense into him!
Luke: Now take it easy Bo. We’ll just act cool and pretend we didn’t know nothin’ about it.
Bo: How am I supposed to take it easy?

Luke
Bo, Bo, crazy Bo--
Get cool, Bo!
Got a rocket, in your pocket--
Keep coolly cool, Bo!
Don’t get hot,
‘Cause man, you got
Some high times ahead.
Take it slow and, Buddy-Row,
You can live it up and die in bed!

Bo: But he’s framing us again!

Luke
Bo, Bo, crazy Bo--
Stay loose, Bo!
Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it --
Turn off the juice, Bo!
Go man, go,
But not like a yo-yo true Bo--
Just play it cool, Bo
Real cool!

Bo: Maybe you’re right.
Luke: At least play it cool until we find out what they’re up to this time.

[Jamanda]

TONIGHT

Meanwhile, Daisy gets off work and heads home, but Enos pulls in behind her.

Enos: <over CB> Daisy? Would you pull over please? I gotta talk to you.
Daisy: Okay Enos.

She pulls over and Enos goes over to her.

Daisy: Where’s Cletus?
Enos: He’s watching that guy we pulled off you this afternoon.
Daisy: <touches his cheek and grins> You mean the one YOU punched out.
Enos: Aw shucks…Cletus roughed him up a bit too. He didn’t like being called “chubby”.
Daisy: Is that all you wanted to tell me?
Enos: Well no. The Sheriff’s wants to arrest Bo and Luke for going through that speed trap of his this morning, and Boss ain’t gonna rest until we bring them in.
Daisy: Oh dear. Thanks for the warning Enos.
Enos: Oh and Daisy?
Daisy: Yeah?
Enos: I uh…I’m awful glad we were able to get that fella off of you. I’d hate to think of anything that might happen to you.
Daisy: Oh Enos. You know something?
Enos: What?
Daisy: I’m glad you were there. I think it made me realize something.
Enos: It did?
Daisy: Yeah. I realized how lucky I am to have you around.
Enos: Shucks Daisy.
Daisy: Enos…Do you still want to get married?
Enos: What?
Daisy: Now Enos…I know those hives were just a copout…and I can’t say I blame you. I was marrying you for the wrong reasons.
Enos: You’re right…about the hives…I mean…
Daisy: Enos, I know you love me. I guess it just wasn’t until you clobbered that guy that I realized that I love you too.
Enos: Do you…do you really?
Daisy: Yeah…and if it were possible…I’d marry you right now.

Daisy puts her hands in his and looks in his eyes. This time, he knows she means it.

Daisy (Sings)
Make of our hands one hand,
Make of our hearts one heart,
Make of our vows one last vow:
Only death will part us now.

Enos
Make of our lives one life,
Day after day, one life.

BOTH
Now it begins, now we start
One hand, one heart;
Even death won't part us now.

Make of our lives one life,
Day after day, one life.
Now it begins, now we start
One hand, one heart,
Even death won't part us now.

Daisy
Only you, you’re the only thing I’ll see forever,
In my eyes, in my words and in everything I do,
Nothing else but you
Ever!

Enos
And there’s nothing for me but Daisy,
every sight that I see is Daisy.

Daisy
Enos…Enos…

Enos
Always you, every thought I’ll ever know,
Everywhere I go, you’ll be.

Daisy
All the world is only you and me!

Enos
Today, today
It all began today
I saw you and the world went away.

Daisy
Today, today
There’s only you today
What you are, what you do, what you say.

Enos
Today, all day I had the feeling
A miracle would happen --
I know now I was right.

BOTH
For here you are
And all along it wasn’t very hard
Today!

Rosco (over CB): Enos you dipstick! You got your ears on boy, come on?

Enos: I better answer that.
Daisy: Yes, yes. Hurry. Wait! When will I see you?
Enos: I’ll come to the Boar’s Nest later tonight. Will you be there?
Daisy: Yeah, I’m closing. Come in the back door.

BOTH SING
Tonight, tonight
Before then when you dream
Dream of me
Tonight.

Daisy kisses Enos and then takes off for the farm. Enos is stunned again for a bit, but then hears Rosco squawking again.

[Jamanda]

I FEEL PRETTY

Daisy gets back to the farm and does some laundry, but she can’t help but feel giddy. Bo and Luke come in to her singing.

Daisy
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty, and witty and gay,
And I pity
Any girl who isn’t me today.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming--
It’s alarming how charming I feel,
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I’m real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning
And entrancing--
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I’m loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

Bo to Luke
Have you met my sweet cousin Daisy
The craziest girl on the block?
You’ll know her the minute you see her--
She’s the one who is in an advanced
State of shock.

Luke to Bo
She thinks she’s in love.
She thinks she’s in Spain.
She isn’t in love,
She’s merely insane.

Bo to Luke
It must be the heat
Or some rare disease
Or too much to eat,
Or maybe it’s fleas.

Luke to Bo
Keep away from her --
Don’t you think Bo?
This is not the Daisy
We know!

Both
Modest and pure,
Polite and refined,
Well-bred and mature
And out of her mind!

Daisy
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty
That the city should give me its key.
A committee
Should be organized to honor me.

Luke: <sarcastic> Oh, she’s not modest at all.

I feel dizzy
I feel sunny,
I feel fizzy and funny and fine,
And so pretty,
Miss America can just resign!

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:

Bo
What mirror where?

Daisy
Who can that attractive girl be?

Luke
Which? What? Where? Whom?

Daisy
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning
And entrancing--
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I’m loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

[Jamanda]

A BOY LIKE THAT

Daisy turns around and sees Bo and Luke.

Bo: You mind telling us what that is all about?
Daisy: Nothing. Just that I figured out that Enos really loves me is all.
Luke: Well shoot, everyone knows that.
Daisy: And I finally know for sure that I love him back.
Bo: You do?
Luke: Are you sure?

Luke
A man like that arrests your cousins
He’s only one out of a dozen
Find one of your own kind,
Stick to your own kind!

Bo
Last time you tried, he gave you sorrow,
You'll meet another guy tomorrow,
One of your own kind,
Stick to your own kind!

Luke
He’s got few brains, but has your love?
How can you tell it’s gonna work?
Is this the guy to get your love
And get your heart?
Very smart, Daisy, very smart!

Bo
You know most guys want one thing only,
And when they’re done, they leave you lonely.
He'll let you down again;
It just can’t be.
Just wait and see,
Just wait, Daisy,
Just wait and see!

Daisy
Oh no, Luke no,
Oh, no Bo.
It isn't true, not this time
It was before, but not again
I hear your words
And in my head
I know they're smart,
But my heart, Bo
But my heart Luke
Knows they're wrong
And my heart
Is too strong,
For I belong
To him alone, to him alone.
One thing I know:
I am his,
I don't care what he is.
I don't know why it's so,
I don't want to know.

You don’t know better!
You aren’t in love – you’ve never said
Do you know better? . . .

I have a love, and it's all that I have.
Right or wrong, what else can I do?
I love him; I'm his,
And everything he is
I am, too.
I have a love, and it's all that I need,
Right or wrong, and he needs me, too.
I love him, we're one;
There's nothing to be done,
Not a thing I can do
But hold him, hold him forever,
Be with him now, tomorrow
And all of my life!

Uncle Jesse overhears this and comes in.

Jesse
When love comes however strong,
There IS still right and wrong,
Even if your love is your life.

Daisy: Oh I know Uncle Jesse. It’s just that…
Uncle Jesse: It’s Enos again isn’t it?

Daisy nods.

Uncle Jesse: Well…if you’re sure you’re ready.
Daisy: I think I am.
Uncle Jesse: Then you have my blessing.
Luke: And mine.
Bo: <sighs> Yeah, mine too.
Jesse: So uh…is he up in the woods spying on the house because of you? Or are those his orders for the day?
Daisy: Oh, Enos just tipped me off that the Sheriff ain’t gonna rest until he arrests you two for running that speed trap this morning.
Luke: Oh, is that all?
Bo: Well shoot, now what?
Luke: He’s probably waiting for us to leave so he can tell Rosco where we’re going.
Bo: But we still gotta get that crankshaft.
Daisy: Well let me go distract him so ya’ll can get to Cooter’s.

[Jamanda]

A PLACE FOR US

Daisy goes over to where Enos is in the woods trying, but not very hard, to hide.

Daisy: Is this what Rosco wanted you for?
Enos: I’m afraid so Daisy. I’m supposed to follow Bo and Luke if they leave.
Daisy: Oh Enos, how are we ever going to get married if you’re chasing my cousins all the time?
Enos: Well, let’s not worry about that right now.

Enos
There’s a place for us,
Somewhere a place for us,
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere.

Daisy
There’s a time for us,
Someday a time for us,
Time together with time to spare,
Time to learn, time to care
Someday!

Enos
Somewhere
We’ll find a new way of living

Daisy
We’ll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere.

Enos and Daisy
There’s a place for us,
A time a place for us.
Hold my hand and we’re halfway there.
Hold my hand and I’ll take you there
Somehow,
Someday,
Somewhere!

[Jamanda]

<This was the most fun part to do! It had Rosco written all over it!>

OFFICER KRUPKE

Enos notices Bo and Luke have taken off, but decides to ignore them. Bo and Luke make it to Cooter’s and buy the crankshaft, but Rosco spots them there.

Rosco: Hey, you!
Cooter: Me, Officer Rosco?
Rosco: Not you, them! Gimme one good reason for not draggin’ ya down to the stationhouse, you Dukes!

Luke (sings)
Dear kindly Sheriff Rosco,
Ya gotta understand--
It’s you accusing me and Bo
That gets us out of hand
And if you didn’t frame us
There’d be trouble anyway
Golly Moses – You do this every day

Bo
Gee, Officer Rosco, we’re very upset;
As Hazzard County citizens we get no respect.
We ain’t no delinquents,
We’re misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

Luke
There is good!

Both
There is good, there is good,
There is untapped good.
Like inside, the worse of us is good.

Rosco
That’s a touchin’ good story.

Luke
Lemme tell it to the world!

Rosco
Just tell it to the Judge.

Cooter follows as Rosco takes Bo and Luke to the courthouse where Boss Hogg is waiting.

Bo
Oh, dear Boss Hogg your Honor
The sheriff treats us rough.
He chases us all over town,
You’d think he’d had enough.
We didn’t want the ticket,
But somehow it was had.
Leapin’ lizards –Don’t you think it’s bad?!

Boss
No!
Officer Rosco, you’re really are dumb;
Why do I have a sheriff
If his brain has gone numb?
You brought me the Duke boys
Now throw them in jail.
Until their Uncle Jesse posts their bail

Bo
Posts our bail!

Bo and Luke
We’re in jail, we’re in jail
It’s the same old tale
Until Uncle Jesse posts our bail!

Boss: Hear ye, Hear ye! In the opinion of this court, these boys are to be locked up
and bail is set at $500.
Bo: $500!
Luke: The mortgage is due today! That’s what you’re up to!

Uncle Jesse bursts in.

Jesse: What’s going on here? I go over to the bank to pay the mortgage and find the two of you in here again!?

Luke
Another Hazzard speed trap
Got us into this mess
The sign was rigged and we’re both broke
And you can guess the rest
If Rosco hadn’t set us up
We wouldn’t be in here
Goodness Gracious!

Bo
I think I need a beer.

Cooter
Officer Rosco, they shouldn’t be here.
And you should be more useful in your
Chosen carrer
Between you and Boss, it’s a terrible trick,
Between the two of you I might get sick!

Luke
We are sick!

Bo and Luke
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick sick sick
Just like our buddy Cooter, we are sick!

Boss: In my opinion, you boys don’t need to be in here at all. This is all a misunderstanding.
Bo: Hey, Thanks Boss.
Boss: But you still need to pay bail and forfeit your farm.

Bo
They only want your money
They mean to do us harm
If we don’t pay the mortgage
Then Boss will get the farm
We’ll have to move to Hatchapee
Never to return.
Gloryosky, Boss is such a worm.

Jesse
GAH!
J.D. and Rosco, you’ve done it again
But you won’t send my boys to spend two years in the pen.
It ain’t just a question of misunderstood;
I know when you’re up to no good!

Bo
It’s no good!

Bo and Luke
It’s no good, it’s no good,
It’s no earthly good,
We know when they’re up to no good!

With that, Bo and Luke use the old ruse of pushing each other around.

Luke
The trouble is you’re lazy.

Bo
The trouble is you drink

Luke
The trouble is you’re crazy.

Bo
The trouble is you stink.

Luke
The trouble is you owe me

Bo
I just paid back that loan!

They then turn and push Rosco onto Boss.

Both
Rosco, we got troubles of our own!

Cooter handcuffs Boss and Rosco together without them seeing it.

Bo and Luke
Gee, Officer Rosco,
It’s really unfair
Our fate is with a sheriff
And a man with no hair
Gee, Officer Rosco
What are we to do?
So Boss, here’s a Rosco
For you!

They push Rosco into Boss while they all rush out.

Boss: Rosco! Get off of me!
Rosco: I’m tryin’
Boss: Call Enos and Cletus. Get them after those Dukes!
Rosco: But Boss, Cletus is taking that prisoner he brought in today to Chickasaw. Seems Sheriff Little had an outstanding warrant for him.
Boss: Than call Enos!
Rosco: But I just told him over the CB that I had caught the Dukes and he asked for the rest of the day off.
Boss: Oh and I suppose you gave it to him?
Rosco: Well he said he needed to pack. His vacation starts tomorrow.
Boss: Why me?

[Jamanda]

FINALE

At closing time, Enos slips in the back door of the Boar’s Nest. Daisy runs up to him and kisses him.

Daisy: Is everything ready?
Enos: Yep. I got your jeep all loaded up for ya. Boss let you have a few days off?
Daisy: I worked it out with some of the girls so my shifts are covered.
Enos: And everyone is okay with it?
Daisy: Uncle Jesse got the mortgage paid, Bo and Luke avoided that traffic violation, and all of them finally agreed that you’re the only man right for me.
Enos: I’m glad of that.

They take off in the jeep singing.

Daisy
Hold my hand and we’re halfway there…

Enos
Hold my hand and I’ll take you there,
Right now

Daisy
Tonight…

Enos: Um, you might not want to hold my hand while I’m driving though. We’re not quite halfway to Chickamahonny yet.
Daisy: Oh Enos!

<This has been Jamanda's random poetry corner. We now return you to your regular Dukes programming.>