A random thought from Yankee rebel wanna-be

[pendragon1980]

I know a few others here watch the Blue Collar TV with Jeff Foxworthy, Ron White and Larry the cable guy.

But what I would like to know is...does anyone else find the sketches looking disturbingly familiar to family events?

To me, Jeff's Foxworthy's list of "You might be a redneck if..." is less a comedy skit and more a checklist for my next family reunion.

As of such, I got a couple of Pendragon originals to add to the list.


*ahem* You might be a redneck if...



1)...A wedding procession in your family consists completely of pickup trucks, including the vehicle carrying the bride and groom.

2)...See above, except for a funeral, with the vehicle carrying the casket.

3)...Your family pet is refered as a sibling...not for a sign of affection but more for the family resemblence.


Now back to your regularly scheduled chaos....

[Eddiemunster]

I've always liked:
You might be a redneck if 1.) Your wife's new hair-do gets caught in the ceiling fan, and 2.) Your 16-year-old daughter fires up a cigerette at the dinner table, in front of her children.

[MaryAnne]

I love that Blue Collar Comedy Tour!

"Git 'er done!"

Bill Engvall's "Here's Your Sign" listing is funny too. "I hate stupid people. They should just wear a sign that says "I'm Stupid" then you won't have to deal with them..... Excuse me--whoa! Sorry 'bout that. Didn't see your sign. Never mind!"

ROFL

As for both that listing and the "You Might Be a Redneck" listing resembling any family events.... yes. ROFL. And I'm further north than you are Pendragon!

[pendragon1980]

My personal favorite is Ron White. I have a soft spot for political and social satire comedians. He tops the list with the likes of George Carlin and Louis Black.

Plus, the fact he cusses like a sailor and always looks he just stumbled out of a bar, which is probably accurate.

Pen "Tater Salad" Dragon.

[Capt_Redneck]

It is funny that a lot of the "You might be a redneck" jokes do seem all too accurate. Even though I am Long Island, I have my Mama's side of the family in NC. And in a rural area, not a big city. Going down to visit and hanging around the people makes me think of Jeff Foxworthy.

I liked the one Pendragon said about the funeral procession and pick-up trucks..That one hit home to me. My Grandma died back in 99 and we went down for the funeral. And drivin' to the cemetary , roads all shut down for her and about 10-15 pick-ups in the funeral procession and at the church.

Darrell

[Brian Coltrane]

Man, I don't dare offer any examples on my own behalf. I'd lower the standard. Heh Heh.

Oh, awright, maybe just one r' two examples. These are geunine.

Lessee... I've used 190 proof corn alcohol to light my charcoal grill. It's healthier than the store-bought lighter fluid, and it burns longer. Only drawback being, it reduces the charcoal to ash in no time flat.

I've also become an accomplished sprinter, thanks to my vehicular adventures. One fine day when my late-model Chevy conked out on the road in the middle of nowhere, I got out to push it. Being a smart cuss, I was pushing it from the driver's side door column, so I could turn the wheel n' all that. Well, turned out the road had a slight grade to it and suddenly the pushing gets real easy. And then the Chevy decided it didn't need me anymore and rolled completely away, coasting down the highway with the door wide open. I ran like hell to catch up with it and found speed I never knew I had. Managed to dive in and hit the brake after a quarter-mile run. Yes, I was a redneck track star.


Brian

[pendragon1980]

Oh let's see....

How around on three (3) different occasions asking a fella out on a date and then finding out he is a distant relation?

Not kidding. I live in a small town. Kinda makes me shudder to think how many times my family tree might have interconnected.

[Val Strate]

Pendragon,

I know what ya mean. I looked at a map from the 1800's of the area I grew up in. There are only a couple of main family names splashed across the plots of land. Like maybe three or four in this tiny area. But like 20 plot blocks with the same name. It's like, whoa! Everybody is connected to somebody. Found out one time that a good friend of mine and a high school crush was distantly related to me by marriage. So I know where you come from there.

As far as Redneck examples... Oh boy... I could name a ton. Some my own example...

1) When a barn pitch fork becomes a defense weapon, yeah, ya might be a redneck...

2) When Racoons come to your door seeking revenage because of example number one.

3) When you almost get chased by a rabbi racoon because it looks alot like the family cat... you might be a redneck.

4) Instead of blowing your hair with a hair dryer you use a cattle blower....

5) (this one is an orginal Jeff Foxworthy one and I know it applies, especially with running back and forth all the time to and from school and work) When you got more than 5 McDonald's bags on the floor of your car, ya might be a Redneck.

6) When your yearly family vacation is a trip to the county fair... Yeah, ya might be a Redneck.

7) When your younger brother gets the nickname from his friends, "Little Texas" and his friends nicknames are "Jim Bob", "Barb Que", "Bacon", "Ketchup" or anything else to do with Macho food products or animal names.

8) When you have friends that think square dancing should be an Olympic sport.

9) When you have chirstmas lights still hanging up in the middle of March.... and your father thinks he should keep them up all year long.

Drum role here....... For Number 10.....

10) You might be a redneck if you check this forum everyday like I do and I know others do.....


YEEEEHHHHAAAWWWW! *speaks in a Cartman from Southpark voice* Yes, I am proud to be a Redneckian American. Now back to eatin' my cheesie poofs....

Val

[MaryAnne]

Tater Salad! "You are under arrest for being drunk in pub-LECK."

"I'm not drunk in pub-LECK. I was drunk in a bar!"


My family tree consists of every aspect of New England history you can think of, including northern bootleggers and an owner of a speaskeasy back in the '20's. Tracing back to the early 1800's, on my mother's side, they were able to trace back to a great-great-great(however many) grandfather from England named....drum roll please......ENOS! I kid you not! =)

Okay my own based-on-personal-experience redneck-isms...

You might be a redneck if...

1. You consider Primer Grey to *be* a color choice for your car.

2. When faced with the task of fixing something your two favorite words are "Duct Tape."

3. You other favorite word is "WD40"

4. You plant flowers in your yard and your father gets a little over zealous with the weed wacker. "Took them things down in one whack! Hoowee!"

5. You're proud you bought the heavy duty car cover because the neighborhood cats congregate on your car during the winter because it's the only place in the neighborhood where they can take a piss and not discolor the snow.

6. When attending a formal dinner, you become confused at the three forks, two spoons and three drinking glasses that are placed in front of you.

7. You mistake the appetizer at the formal dinner for the main meal and vocally complain about how small the portions are. (I'm hungry dammit!)

8. You argue that the arrival of NASCAR was the biggest economic booster to your neck of the woods.

9. Your idea of dining out is going to the local KFC and bringing it back home.

And finally....

10. For New England Rednecks only. You can't understand why some flatlander can't understand what yer asking for when yer looking for "pahts fer tha cah..."


:)

[Brian Coltrane]

BAHAHAHA!! Those are all pretty good. A few things to add on my own behalf:

1) You eat yer dinnner right out of the pan you cooked it in. And if you have leftovers, you shove the entire pan into the fridge.

2) Havin' barbed-wire fencin' around yer property is a status symbol.

3) You shoot a gun into the air to celebrate the following: New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, family weddings, and whenever your sports team wins a big game.

4) You get excited when motor oil is on sale.

[Val Strate]

*Giggling* Oh MA! I think we were switched at birth or sumt'n.... You ain't going to belive this either but I have a Great grandfather and an Uncle (cause he was named after the grandfather).... Roscoe. However it's spelt with an 'e' at the end but still... I am related to someone named 'Roscoe'.

Oh this is grand.... Brian, the Barb wire thing applies here as well. It's around half of our property with.... ta da, woven wire fence! Uh huh, pretty snazzy!

The motor oil thing works too. I do get excited when I see motor oil on sale. Hey, "the way them Ahrabs got us by the throat..." we awta get excited over motor oil.

I have one to add tho', anyone ever get excited about going to Senior prom in a one ton duelly crew cab pickup truck! *raises hand* Me! *chuckles* All these gals come out of their limo's with their dates, feeling a great. I felt like queen of the school, riddin' up with my date in the snazzy duelly.

Oh, this is fun. Thanks for bringing the topic up Pendragon.

Val

[DaneyDuke]

=) This thread has been a blast to read, thanks y'all.

[pendragon1980]

I've been guilty on #9 of MaryAnne's and #1 of Brian's.

ALthough, deputy, every now and then you just gotta spurge on hit the Taco Bell drivethru..

..like on Thanksgiving.

OK, I have a couple more.

...If you wait up one morning and find 6 inches of rainwater in your BEDROOM.

...If you find mushrooms growing INSIDE your house at any point.

(A couple of you know the story behind the above two. The rest of y'all just gotta use your imagination)

...If your grandmother accidently grew a certain illegal plant not for the usual reasons but because "it just looked so purty".

AND...(drumrolls please)

....If you have more dogs and/or livestock than people at a family reunion.

[Eddiemunster]

Here's one that relates to me:

You know you're a redneck when the local bar you hang out at used to be a speakeasy in the 1920's.

Really. I've heard, but never have seen yet, the tunnell from the house next door where they smuggled in the booze.

[pendragon1980]

(Here's a couple for the sheriff's department)

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.


2. There are no dental records.

[MaryAnne]

BAHAHAHAHHAA!!! Now y'all know why my job is so hard! ROFL

[Capt_Redneck]

That was good Pendragon.......Now stop pickin' on my family in the Carolina's .....:lol:

Darrell

[pendragon1980]

I got another, very recent and true.

You might be a redneck (and a blonde) IF....

You accidently put your paycheck through the wash with your workclothes.

D'OH!

Deputy, I am now guilty of money laundering.

[Eddiemunster]

Been there, done that! Add money-laundering to my list, too!

[Capt_Redneck]

That is why I use direct deposit now......

[Brian Coltrane]

Pendragon, you are the Queen of the Rednecks. If not the High Priestess!

I award you this scepter ( bathroom plunger ) and paper crown (obtained from the local Burger King.) I offer you a gift of fragrance (Deep Woods Off ) and fine wine (Boone's Farm 3-for-five-dollars.)

We heahby salute you with a Skoal 21-gum salute. Pting!


Brian

[Val Strate]

*busts up laughing, but then gets down on knees before Pendragon.*

Oh great Redneck Queen!

W'all not wur-ddy *bowing down before her* W'all not wur-ddy!


I'm just teasin' Pen... Congrads on your new title.


Val

[Eddiemunster]

All this Redneck stuff just got me thinkin' about this one I can use about this Redneck woman I know at work.

You know you're a Redneck if you drive your husband's Dodge Fifth-Wheel with a Cummins Diesel Engine to work every day.

Gotta just love those Duelies!!!

[pendragon1980]

LOL. Thanks, Brian. Usually the only "royal" I have described to me preceds "Pain in the....".

When it comes to rednecks, Brian. You are a king among Dukes.

Pendragon

http://members.fortunecity.com/pendragon1980/blonde.jpg

[Brian Coltrane]

Pendragon, ah'm flattered. You got me thinkin' of how grand life could be with a real redneck woman like yerself. Just think...comin' home to our own trailer...fifteen dogs barkin' in the yard....aluminium cans scattered on the porch. We'd eat pork n' beans out of the same pan,...over the romantic, flickerin' light of a TV set with an illegal cable converter.

Temptin'. Very temptin'.


Brian

[pendragon1980]

What more could a girl want, Brian?


Ahem...continuing on.


You might be a redneck IF...

You give your cat a dead mouse to play with, but its a computer mouse.


Scary thing I ain't making these up.

Pendragon

[dodge charger]

Hey...our necks are pretty red up here in Canada too.I know a couple of people who went to the prom in a Peterbilt.I also know some guys who make moonshine in their barn.By the way,I LOVE duct tape and WD40.LOL.You guys and gals crack me up.

[Eddiemunster]

You know you're a redneck if you ask if WD40 comes as a splash-on aftershave, instead of a spray-on cologne!!! :roll:

[Brian Coltrane]

BAHAHAHA!! I can see how Pendragon would be all turned on with Eau De WD-40....

And heah I thought the scent of fryin' bacon was the way to catch a redneck woman. Damn.


Brian

[pendragon1980]

Redneck Christmas Wishlist

Twelve-pack of Bud
Eleven Wrastling tickets
Ten o' Copenhagen
Nine years probation
Eight table dancers
Seven packs of Redman
Six cans of Spam
Five flannel shirts
Four big mud tires
Three shotgun shells
Two hunting dogs
... And some parts to a Mustang GT

[Tempest66]

The things you own are also a dead giveaway if your a Redneck or not....

If your cat carrier looks like this:

http://img104.exs.cx/img104/1973/redneckcatcarrier6vz.jpg

If your dog looks like this:

http://img104.exs.cx/img104/9905/redneckdog4qz.jpg

Or if your boat looks like this:

http://img104.exs.cx/img104/4615/redneckboat6ii.jpg

[Capt_Redneck]

Damn .....Tempset that was too funny..And please stop showing pictures of my Family....

Darrell

[MaryAnne]

BAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! That cat carrier is too funny! And that boat.... I think I might get that for my dad for Christmas, seeing he wants a bass boat. There you go Dad!! ROFLMAO!!

[dukesfan1979]

LOL TOO FUNNY Tempest!!!! Nice GTO Too!!!

[dukesfan1979]

Im sorry I thought your car was a GTO I see that it is a Tempest.
Still a very nice ride.....love those old Pontiacs too!!

[Tempest66]

I'm glad y'all got a kick out of those pics! How about a couple more?

You might be a Redneck if your Motor home looks like this:

http://img13.exs.cx/img13/5908/rednecmotorhome2jy.jpg

If playing Horseshoes with your family looks like this:

http://img13.exs.cx/img13/5314/rn6fj.jpg

If your house looks like this AFTER you win the Powerball Lottery:

http://img13.exs.cx/img13/6350/powerballwinner5lu.jpg

Or if even your "high tech" computer runs like this:

http://img13.exs.cx/img13/7814/redneckcomp3lq.jpg

P.S. My car and I thank you Dukesfan1979! Glad to see another Pontiac Lover as well as a fellow PAer!

[dukesfan1979]

your welcome Tempest66! My favorite car of all time is the 69 Dodge Charger but I love old Pontiacs too. GTO's, Tempest, Lemans, Grand Prix
and I really love the 60's Mopar Muscle cars, Charger and Roadrunner
back when cars were cars!!! nice to hear from a fellow PAer too! take care

[Capt_Redneck]

Alright Tempest the one picture of the toilet seat horshoe hit pretty close to home. . They are just too funny


Darrell

[dabones]

Hey dodge charger, i've been near Mirimichi a couple years ago, my buddy and I drove out to PEI and we ended up driving through NB up near Mirimichi, thats some redneck area for sure dude.. lol.. we were driving up this one road, go around a bend and I see the back end of a pickup truck, sticking out of the ditch, I slow to check it out, and the drivers door is wide open, thr front of it looked to be brunt and sure enough the front end was buried in the ditch while the rear bumper was sticking out into the highway.. apparently that was some indian reserve from what I was told..



i got a redneck one curtessy of my sister-in-law in Lexington South Carolina:
if your shovel handle breaks and instead of replacing it you stick a tree branch into the shovel, you might be a redneck..
orr....
if your BBQ runs out of gas so instead of buying more propane, you just fill it full of charcoal and call it a hibachi, you might be a redneck..

LMFAO! it's a trip to visit my wifes family.. I lived in Columbia SC for a month, had a very redneck trailer too..
oh and a friend of mine down there has 28 dogs and 2 horses on her half-acre land.. lol..

[Julieduke]

A friend of mine sent me this from a foxworthy calender so I thought I would share with everybody " You might be a Redneck if You can name the entire cast of "The Dukes of Hazzerd" but not Your congressman.
And here is one from my brother You Might Be a Redneck if You use your neighbor address to order Pizza because you are living in your RV in their Backyard.

[Dixie Lee_01]

<laughing like crazy> Ai, I love these... some do strike a little closer to home... heh... *especially* the one a long while back about your Dad weedwhacking flowers! Mine really did last year! Arrggh! My brother helped too... whacked the mint plants.... grrr...

I love the pics here. Lol.

[Capt_Redneck]

Shoot, I don't weedwack flowers and plants , I mow right over them. My wife gets so mad at me for doing that. I say they get in the way and look ugly anyway. So she plants more every time, think she would get the hint?? :wink:

[Julieduke]

You Might Be a Redneck if, your Lawn furniture used to be your living room furinture.
Watch Blue Collar TV and pay attention to how the sign on the door is spelled. :roll: :roll:

[pendragon1980]

Ten Ways to Tell If A Redneck Is Working On Your Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck
has been working on your computer is...

1. The mouse is now referred to as a "critter".

[Iloveschnieder]

OH my God, Y'all had me cracking up. I loved the pictures!!! Y'all making me miss NC again. It's been 5 yrs since I left the rural life and enter the urban hell.
Here are my true to life Redneck experiences

The directions to your house include turn off the paved road. (the dirt road to the right is the right dirt road, and don't worry the bridge will hold your car, and if you pass the second horse field you've gone to far, were the rest of the directions to my trailer.)

You mow your entire back yard with a borrowed weedeater. (Hey why pay for one when you can go to Cuz and borrow one! )

Your neighbor will not tell you how many huntin' dogs he has, (must be a state secret)

You trade a broken down piece o'sh-t car for a broke down huge hole in the bottom piece o'sh-t boat.

You then turn that pos boat into a planter with your name on it.

Your the Dukes of the rednecks in your trailer park because you have a the only doublewide, and your landlords trailer is the worst of the bunch.

Your kids potty train in the yard, off the steps, etc.

Your neighbor calls you to tell you your baby is escaping out the dog door butt naked again.

Your landlord uses a backhoe to prevent people from skipping out in the night with thier trailer.

Your car is hit by a crazed deer, coming home from a christmas ball.

You hit a deer with your truck and wonder if the meat is still any good.

The only thing preventing your truck from flipping are those ditches! Thank god for that too.

Ya move to the urban hell of Philly and conceously have to work at not saying "fixing to go"

Man I miss Hubert NC, just outside of Jacksonville NC.

[Julieduke]

OH my God, Y'all had me cracking up. I loved the pictures!!! Y'all making me miss NC again. It's been 5 yrs since I left the rural life and enter the urban hell.
Here are my true to life Redneck experiences

The directions to your house include turn off the paved road. (the dirt road to the right is the right dirt road, and don't worry the bridge will hold your car, and if you pass the second horse field you've gone to far, were the rest of the directions to my trailer.)

You mow your entire back yard with a borrowed weedeater. (Hey why pay for one when you can go to Cuz and borrow one! )

Your neighbor will not tell you how many huntin' dogs he has, (must be a state secret)

You trade a broken down piece o'sh-t car for a broke down huge hole in the bottom piece o'sh-t boat.

You then turn that pos boat into a planter with your name on it.

Your the Dukes of the rednecks in your trailer park because you have a the only doublewide, and your landlords trailer is the worst of the bunch.

Your kids potty train in the yard, off the steps, etc.

Your neighbor calls you to tell you your baby is escaping out the dog door butt naked again.

Your landlord uses a backhoe to prevent people from skipping out in the night with thier trailer.

Your car is hit by a crazed deer, coming home from a christmas ball.

You hit a deer with your truck and wonder if the meat is still any good.

The only thing preventing your truck from flipping are those ditches! Thank god for that too.

Ya move to the urban hell of Philly and conceously have to work at not saying "fixing to go"

Man I miss Hubert NC, just outside of Jacksonville NC.I loved the directions to your house you gave that was real funny to give to Pizza Delivery people.

[Julieduke]

I had told my best friend about my new for my checking account and she asked what was wrong with O.S.U . You see the check I had before was University of Tenn and now I have the University of Geogria eveybody knows they are the Bulldogs.

[Iloveschnieder]

Yea, it was kinda interesting giving directions to my house. It was also kind of funny when someone saw the little five railroad timber bridge with no sides for the first time. They're like "that thing is gonna hold me?" and I'm like "yea, it held the semi-trucks hauling the trailers over it, it will hold you! I have seen some people just do a 3 point turn and leave, instead of going over the bridge! chickens!

What scares me is that we were only barely considered redneck.