Greatest Hazzardian Hero -- Act Four
(Scene unfreezes. Barnes fires his gun as Bo and Luke fall on top of him and his lacky)
UNCLE JESSE: (panicking) BOYS!!
(Bo and Luke get up, unharmed.)
(Boss Hogg, Rosco, and Uncle Jesse look in amazement)
ROSCO: Jumpin' G. Hossifat! They ain't got a scratch on 'em!
UNCLE JESSE: But that ain't possible. There ain't no way he coulda missed.
(Barnes stands and takes aim at the group)
UNCLE JESSE: WATCH IT!!
(Barnes shoots, but no one is hurt)
BOSS HOGG: That's the second time he missed like that. What in tarnation's goin' on here?!
(Bo and Luke exchange glances)
LUKE: Alright, Ralph, you might as well let 'em see ya.
(Ralph appears and Barnes takes aim at him. Ralph covers his face with his arms. Barnes shoots until he is out of bullets. Ralph steps toward him, crushes his gun, and throws him over the roof of the truck.)
UNCLE JESSE: Would ya look at that!
BOSS HOGG: I ain't never seen anythin' like it!
(Bill pulls up in his car just as Barnes' lacky pulls a gun on the group. Bill jumps out of his car and aims his gun at Barnes' Lacky)
BILL: Freeze it, Jerk-o! FBI! You two are BUSTED!! Alright, Ralph, do your stuff. Relieve this gentleman of his gun, if you would be so kind...
(Bill moves in closer as Ralph grabs the lacky's gun and crushes it. It falls to the ground next to Barnes' gun.)
BILL: Uh, Ralph, all I asked you to do was take it away from him. You keep crushin' the evidence like that, I'm not gonna have any case. Think you could control yourself, please?
RALPH: Sorry. But what are you doing up here already? I thought you were gonna wait until I called you in...
BILL: Well, I heard the gunshots and figured you'd be done by the time I got up here, so I'd save us a little time. (Bill looks around at the group) But now that half the town's population has seen you in action, it looks like we're gonna be here a bit longer than we expected.
(Daisy comes running up to the group)
BALLADEER: Daisy had decided to stay by the General Lee, figurin' the boys might come back for their bows and arrows. But when she heard the gunshots, she came runnin' to make sure everybody was ok.
BILL: Oh, terrific, here comes Ellie May. Now if we could just get the mechanic to show up, you could put on a show for the whole town.
DAISY: Uncle Jesse, boys, are y'all alright??
LUKE: We're all just fine, Daisy. We, uh...we had a little help.
UNCLE JESSE: Mr. Hinkley, I ain't one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but how in the world did you come away from havin' Barnes shoot atcha like that without a mark on ya? And what's with that fancy get-up you got on?
RALPH: Well, uh...you see, Mr. duke...umm....
BILL: Go ahead, Ralph. You might as well. Cause I got a feeling that, if you don't, the two farm boys will. Besides, if a bunch of rednecks won't believe a story about an alien encounter, who will...? And while you're doin' that, I'll just make sure the prisoners are nice and cozy in our back seat.
(Bill handcuffs Barnes' lacky and brings him to the car while Ralph explains the suit to the group)
BILL: Look, I'm gonna give you a little piece of advice that, unfortunately, most people don't tend to take. You didn't see my friend in the super longjohns. I got you two myself. Or ,if ya like, you can tell 'em that group of country bumpkins helped me out. But my friend had nothing to do with it. Trust me on this.
(Barnes' lacky gives Bill a dirty look as he slams the door shut. Bill heads back toward the group as Ralph finishes explaining.)
ROSCO: Are you kiddin' me?? Do you seriously expect us to believe that little aliens from Mars came down and *POOF* gave ya that fancy super suit?
RALPH: Well, I don't think they're from Mars, but that's the jist of it, yeah.
ROSCO: Oh, tiddly tuddly! I believe that about as much as I believe in the tooth fairy!
BOSS HOGG: (looking skeptically ar Rosco)...Since when don't you believe in the tooth fairy?
ROSCO: Since I found a cigar box full of my baby teeth in Mama's closet last week. I don't wanna talk about it (whimpers).
RALPH: Well, I don't know what kind of an explanation you're looking for, but that's how it happened.
UNCLE JESSE: (to Bo and Luke) Did you boys know about this?
LUKE: We sure did. And, as much as it pained us to keep anything from either of ya, we promised Ralph and Bill we wouldn't tell nobody. You always raised us that a promise is a promise...
UNCLE JESSE: Now, you two ain't got nuthin' to be sorry for. You gave your word and ya stuck by it. I'm proud of ya both for that.
BILL: So, they didn't believe ya about the little green guys, huh Ralph? (raises his eyeborws) They must not be as dumb as I thought. Ah, well. I guess ya'd have to see it to believe it anyhow. Well, sheriff, I'm gonna go pick Barne's carcus up off the ground. Then, if you could meet me back at the court house so we can lock him and his croney up while I file all the paperwork and make all the phone calls, I'd really like to have this whole thing wrapped up by nightfall.
RALPH: Hey, Bill, don't we need someone to drive Barne's delivery truck to the impound yard?
LUKE: Actually, Ralph, the impound yard's on the other side of town from the court house. If yer gonna have this thing wrapped up by night time anyway, it might just be easier to drive it to the court house. Me and Bo'd be happy to help ya out.
RALPH: What do you think, Bill?
BILL: (skepticallly) You know I don't like bringin' civilians in on federal business, Ralph.
(Bill gets irritated looks from Ralph and the boys)
BILL: (defeated) Alright, fine. I'd rather have you with me, anyway, in case one of these two gets cocky.
(Switch to the county court house an hour later. Bill's car and Barne's delivery truck are parked outside. Switch to inside, where Ralph and the boys are entering the booking room. Bill approaches)
BALLADEER: About an hour later, Bill had Barnes and his lacky in custody, had called his boss out in California to tell him about the bust, and called the Atlanta FBI to have 'em come pick up the prisoners. And since the paperwork had been filed, and Barnes' truck had been officially commendeered as federal evidence, Bo and Luke were relieved of their truck-sittin' duties.
BILL: (grinning) Well, Ralph, I just got through rubbin' Carlisle's nose in it. He sends me down here to sniff out a little moonshinin' and I end up puttin' the kiebosh on a major gun-smugglin' operation. Man, I love it when a caper ends like this! (to Bo and Luke) As for you two, I told my supervisor all about ya and all the help you both gave me crackin' this case. He asked me to extend the FBI's sincerest gratitude for everything you did.
RALPH: Carlisle actually said that?
LUKE: Shoot, after everything you kept sayin' about bringin' civilians in on a federal case, I woulda figured he'd chew ya out.
BILL: (squirming a bit) Yeah, that's actually a more accurate assessment of what he said. I couldn't very well tell him about Ralph and the suit, but I also knew he wouldn't buy it if I told him I did this single-handed. That left you boys.
BO: Well, it don't really matter what he said. What matters is, everything turned out ok.
LUKE: Bo's right. We're just glad we could help.
(Cletus enters and spots Ralph)
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, I'm all done with my speed trap du....that's HIM! Cousin Boss, that's HIM!!
(Boss Hogg comes out of his office)
BOSS HOGG: Cletus, what in tarnation is all that shoutin' about?
(Cletus approaches Boss Hogg and whispers in his ear)
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, THAT'S the guy I was tellin' you about on the cb today. The guy I said was flyin' like Superman.
BOSS HOGG: Flyin' like Superman?? Oh, for heaven's sake, are you still on that broken record?
CLETUS: Cousin Boss, I'm tellin' ya, I seen that man fly with my own two eyes!
BOSS HOGG: With your own two eyes, huh? I suppose you also saw him wearin' a red cape and bright blue tights like Superman, too, huh?
CLETUS: Uh uh uh...I got a real good look at it through my binoculars. The cape was black, his tights were red, and there was this real wierd lookin' symbol on his chest. Kinda like a bird with holes in it's wings.
LUKE: Hey, Boss, I think maybe you aughtta find a shadier spot for Cletus's speed trap duty. Sounds like he was in the sun a might too long today.
RALPH: Actually, Luke, it sounds more to me like this poor guy could use a nice long vacation. What do you say, Mr. Hogg?
BOSS HOGG: I say I think that sounds like a real good idea. Cletus, the Atlanta FBI will be here in just a little while to pick up them two prisoners we got locked up. After they go, you're hearby on vacation for the next two weeks.
CLETUS: Buzzards on a buzzsaw, two weeks vacation just like that? Shoot, I gotta see flyin' men more often!!
BOSS HOGG: Yeah, you do that. As for the rest of us, let's go. It's time to call it a night. (patting his stomach) I'm late for dinner as it is.
ROSCO: Oh, is THAT the growlin' noise I heard? Here I was blamin' Flash. CU CU!
BOSS HOGG: Oh, would you hush up and get in your car, please?!
LUKE: (To Ralph and Bill) Well, I guess this is goodbye. Sure was interestin' meetin' you two.
RALPH: (shaking hands with Bo and Luke) I think I can safely say it was the same for us.
BILL: I'll tell ya, when we first got here, I figured you guys were all gonna be as dumb as the animals on your farm. Ya proved me wrong and taught me a lesson....
RALPH: (joking) Which isn't easy, belive me.
BILL: That's right, Ralph, keep the jokes commin'. (starts to leave) Come on, let's get outta here.
BALLADEER: Now, don't y'all go checkin' yer watches, thinkin' this one's wrappin' up a might early. Cause, friends, the Dukes is fixin' to have themselves a close encounter.
(Everyone leaves the county court house and gets in their cars. Focus on Bo and Luke in the General Lee. The engine starts before Bo turns the key)
LUKE: Hey, watch it, Bo. Ya crank it that fast, yer liable to kill the ignition.
BO: (very wide-eyed) Luke, I didn't touch nuthin'. The General just started all by his self.
LUKE: That ain't possible. (he leans over to look under the steering column) Ya musta tapped a loose wire under here or somethin'.
(swtich to Rosco in his patrol car)
ROSCO: Come on, Flash. It's time to go home and get us some din-din.
(Rosco is startled by the doors locking themselves)
ROSCO: (grinning) Would ya look at that...Cooter musta put in power locks last time he fixed my patrol car. CU CU! Alright, Flash, buckle up fer safety.
(the seatbelts fasten themselves around Rosco and Flash)
ROSCO: I ain't never heard of power seatbelts before. JEEJEE!!
(the engine starts on it's own)
ROSCO: (panicking) Now, Flash, there's nuthin' to be scared of. Daddy's patrol car just has a mind of it's own, that's all. WOOJEE!!
(Switch to Boss Hogg's Cadillac.)
BOSS HOGG: Sure is a might breezy out tonight. I think maybe I'll put the top up for the ride home.
(Before Boss Hogg can push the button, the top rises and fastens itself in place over his head.)
BOSS HOGG: Hmmm....button must have a hair-trigger on it.
(The cadillac's engine starts. Boss Hogg just stares at it.)
BOSS HOGG: I didn't touch nuthin' that time. What in tarnation's goin' on here??
(Switch to Ralph and Bill's car)
BILL: Alright, Ralph, I'll drive for the first six hours, then you take the wheel so I can get some shut-eye. I don't wanna stop for nuthin'. The quicker we get goin', the quicker we get home.
(The car doors lock and the car engine starts by itself)
BILL: What's goin' on?
RALPH: What do you think is going on? What does it mean every time this starts happening?
BILL: I know what it means when this happens. But I don't want it to mean that. I hate dealin' with the little green guys!
RALPH: Yeah, well, we're a long way from Palmdale, too. And if they went through all the trouble to find us out here and approach us like this, it must be pretty important. So let's just go with it.
BILL: Ralph, do me a favor and don't say it like we have a choice, huh?
(Ralph and Bill's car pulls away, followed in immediate succussion by the General Lee, Boss Hogg's Cadillac, and Rosco's patrol car. Focus on Ralph and Bill. Ralph looks back, worried)
RALPH: I wish we had a cb in here like they do in their cars, Bill, so we could tell them not to worry. I remember how we felt the first time this happened.
(Switch to Bo and Luke)
BO: Luke, the General's drivin' himself, here. Ya got any ideas?
LUKE: (calming Bo down) You got any control over the General right now?
BO: No.
LUKE: You aim to bail out through the window at fifty-five miles an hour?
BO: (shakes his head) Uh-uh.
LUKE: Well, then, just sit back and enjoy the ride. We ain't alone, here. Let's just see where this little caravan ends up.
(switch to Rosco in his car, panicking)
ROSCO: Alright, car! This is your superior officer speakin'! Now, I'm orderin' you to PULL OVER!! I'm serious, now! (pause) It ain't gonna do it. Flash, it ain't gonna do it, darlin'. (Flash howls) I know it! JEEJEE!!
(Switch back to Bo and Luke. Bo realizes the path everyone seems to be on)
BO: Hey, Luke, I just figured out where we're headed.
LUKE: Took ya long enough. We've lived here our entire lives. You'd think you'd know the way back to the farm by now.
BO: Well, dang it, Luke. It's pitch black out here. I can't hardly see where we're goin'!
(as Bo speaks, the General's headlights turn on)
BO: Luke, this just keeps gettin' creepier and creepier.
(The parade of cars finally arrive at the Duke farm and park themselves side by side. Uncle Jesse and Daisy come runnin' out of the house.)
UNCLE JESSE: Boys, what's goin' on? What in blazes in everyone doin' back here at this hour??
(Ralph addresses the group from he and Bill's car)
RALPH: Listen, everyone just stay calm. There's nothing to be afraid of. If what I think is about to happen IS about to happen, all of your questions about me, Bill, and my suit will be answered in just a few minutes.
(Luke spots a circle of light in the sky that appears to be getting closer and closer)
LUKE: Bo...(nods toward the sky)
(Bo spots the cirle of light getting even closer)
BO: Aw, Luke, what in the heck is that?!
LUKE: You remember when Ralph told us where he got his suit?
BO: ....Yeah...
LUKE: Looks like we got visitors.
(Suddenly, the General Lee's radio turns on by itself and the dial starts moving between stations. It stops at stations saying certain words to form a message to Bo and Luke.)
RADIO: You.....will...not...be....harmed.
(quick shots of Rosco and Boss Hogg in their cars. They are staring at their radios, making it obvious they are getting the same message.)
BALLADEER: Now, friends, how do ya like THAT for a sight? Shoot, I never knew the general's radio worked!
(The spaceship has now made it's full approach and hovers over the Duke farm. Bo and Luke climb halfway out of the General's windows and sit on the doors. Uncle Jesse and Daisy approach.)
UNCLE JESSE: Well waddaya think of that....Ralph wasn't kiddin' about them spacemen after all.
DAISY: Waddaya y'all think is gonna happen?
LUKE: I ain't never talked with aliens before. Your guess is as good as mine.
BO: Hey, y'all, the radio's goin' haywire again.
RADIO: Your...help...will.....be........rewarded.
BO: Help? What help? All we did was lead 'em to Boss Hogg. Shoot, that ain't hardly nuthin'.
LUKE: Maybe not by our standards. But apparently....(raises eyebrows and nods toward spaceship)
(switch to Ralph and Bill. Bill taps on the car radio.)
BILL: Hey, what's goin' on here? Howcome they're not talkin' to us? What are they sayin' to them?
(just then, the radio turns on and the dial moves between stations)
RADIO: You...have....done...well. ....Some...will....remember.....some...will........not...
BILL: "Some will remember, some will not"? What does THAT mean??
RALPH: You really are unbelievable. Ten minutes ago, you hated dealing with the little green guys. Now you're hanging on their every word. Anyway, I think I know what it means. But we're just going to have to sit here and see what happens before we'll know for sure.
(Switch back to Bo and Luke. The General's engine starts by itself again. Bo and Luke get back in.)
BO: Luke, the General just started up on his own again....
LUKE: (nods with a blank look on his face) Yup.
BO: So, why the heck did we get back IN??
(The General Lee goes into reverse gear and moves away from the rest of the group. Switch to quick shots of Rosco and Boss Hogg's cars. Rosco's doors unlock, Boss Hogg's roof retracts and his doors unlock. The both get out of their cars. Uncle Jesse and Daisy run to the General Lee)
UNCLE JESSE: You boys alright?
BO: Yeah, I think so.
LUKE: A little shook up, but fine otherwise.
(Switch back to Boss Hogg and Rosco. They are now standing side by side)
ROSCO: Boss, is that what I think it is? Is that a flyin' saucer??
BOSS HOGG: Well, it sure ain't a crop duster! OF COURSE it's a flyin' saucer! What else could it possibly be??
(Switch to a shot of the spaceship. The center slowly starts to glow white, then Boss Hogg and Rosco are bathed in a flash of bright white light. Both stand in place with blank expressions on the faces. Switch back to Ralph and Bill)
BILL: What's goin' on? what did they just do to them?
RALPH: Just what I thought they would do. They erased their memories. Those two may remember you and me, but I doubt they'll remember the suit or any of this.
(Ralph and Bill's doors unlock and they get out of their car. The spaceship slowly ascends into the night sky. Switch back to the Dukes.)
UNCLE JESSE: What do ya figure that ship just did to J.D. and Rosco?
LUKE: I ain't got the slightest idea.
(Switch back to a shot of the spaceship, now several miles up in the sky. Suddenly, it stands still in the air and then shoots off into space. Switch to a shot of Boss Hogg and Rosco coming out of their trance. Ralph and Bill approach the Dukes.)
RALPH: Everybody ok?
LUKE: Yeah, we're fine. But we better go check on Boss and Rosco.
RALPH: That's why we came over here. They're fine. The thing is, though, they don't remember any of this. The bright light that came down erased their memories.
BO: So, howcome nuthin' happened to us?
BILL: Well, those are some pretty sharp little green guys. I think they've been keepin' tabs on us since they gave us the suit. They probably saw that you boys helped us out here, and that those two would be nuthin' but trouble if they remembered anything.
LUKE: that must be what that radio message meant. It said we would be rewarded. They must'a meant that we'd remember all this, even though Boss and Rosco don't.
UNCLE JESSE: Uh, speakin' of which, I think maybe we better get over to them before they start askin' questions.
(The groups approaches Boss Hogg and Rosco)
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, what in tarnation are we doin' out here at the Duke farm at this hour?
UNCLE JESSE: We was just askin' ourselves that very same question, J.D. You and Rosco got yerselves some explainin' to do.
BOSS HOGG: (shaking his head) Uh uh uh, if anybody's got explainin' to do around here, it's you Dukes! Like how you managed to get Rosco and me out here without us rememberin' goin' anyplace.
BO: Well, Boss, if we got you out here, howcome you and Rosco's cars are both here?
BOSS HOGG: Why are our cars here? I'll tell ya why they're here!
ROSCO: That's right, he'll tell you why they're here!
BOSS HOGG: Oh, would you hush up, please! They're here because Jesse and Daisy drove 'em here to throw us off while you boys brought us here in that dang-blasted General Lee!
LUKE: Uh, Boss, no offense but we can barely get your plump little carcus through the window when you're helpin' us. Doin' it with you outcold would be dang near impossible.
BOSS HOGG: Uh uh uh...you Dukes ain't gonna smooth talk your way outta this one. That's two counts of grand theft auto on top'a kidnappin' TWO county officials! And them's FEDERAL offenses. Which means I'll be turning you all over to the Atlanta FBI!
BILL: Not so fast, there, commisioner.
BOSS HOGG: Who in tarnation are you?
BILL: (Flashing his badge) Bill Maxwell, FBI outta Los Angelas. These folks have been with us all day. Matter of fact, they just helped us put a major gun-smugglin' operation outta business. Fella by the name of Joe Barnes.
ROSCO: Joe Barnes? Boss, ain't that the guy you....
BOSS HOGG: (silencing Rosco) Dut dut dut dut. (to Bill) Joe Barnes, huh? Ain't that strange. I had heard he was into moonshine deals.
RALPH: Well, he was, sort of. The moonshine was really just a decoy in case he got caught crossing the boarder into Mexico.
BOSS HOGG: Oh my, what a clever decoy. Uh...but I sure am glad you
gentlemen, and you too, Bo and Luke, managed to apprehend him.
BILL: As a matter of fact, he's still sittin' back in your jail. Your deputy is watchin' him and his lacky by himself until the Atlanta FBI shows up. You might wanna get back there in case he has any trouble.
BOSS HOGG: Oh, yes, I think the sheriff and I will do just that. Thanks you very much for all you done, Mr. Maxwell. (tips hat) A very good night to all. (very serious) Come on, Rosco.
BALLADEER: Knowin' that he was about to loose out on that hundred thousand dollar moonshine deal made Boss plum forget about mysteriously endin' up at the Dukes. Sort of ironic, ain't it...
(Boss Hogg and Rosco get into their cars and leave)
BILL: (to Bo and Luke) I gotta hand it to you two, you come up with allibies quicker than some professional hitmen I've met.
LUKE: Well, ya sorta get used to it livin' around here.
UNCLE JESSE: Listen Mr. Maxwell, Mr. Hinkley...it's gettin' pretty late. Why don't you two spend the night in the guest room and you can get on the road right after breakfast tomorrow mornin'.
RALPH: Waddaya say, Bill? Doesn't sound like a bad idea. To tell you the truth, I really don't feel much like traveling tonight.
BILL: Uh....yeah, why not. Sounds like a good idea.
UNCLE JESSE: Alright, then, it's settled. We'll get the guest bedroom all set up for ya.
(The group walks toward the house. Ralph notices Bill squinting to try to see around the farm in the dark.)
RALPH: What are you looking for, Bill?
BILL: The stripped junk car propped up on cinder blocks. There's one on all these farms.
RALPH: I give up, Bill. (shakes his head and raises his arms) I give up.
(Switch back to the county court house as the Balladeer wraps up the story.)
BALLADEER: Now, if y'all are wonderin' why them aliens didn't make Cletus forget about Ralph and his suit, they had been keepin' an eye on Hazzard the whole time Ralph nd Bill were there. After watchin' ol' Cletus for a while, they realized if Cletus told you about a man in red tights that flew...would YOU believe him? Unfortunately for Cletus, Boss and Rosco had forgotten everything that happened that day....includin' givin' him two weeks vacation. But the hardest part for Boss was knowin' that all the shine he'd made for Joe Barnes was now locked up in his truck that had been commandeered for evidence. Which meant he couldn't make a dime off it.
(We see a shot of Boss Hogg leaning over the booking table, weaping into his hands. Rosco is patting him on the back. Cletus has an angry expression on his face about loosing his two weeks vacation. Fade to the Duke farm the next morning.)
BALLADEER: And the next mornin' after breakfast, Ralph and Bill was ready to hit the road.
(Ralph and Bill shake hands with all the Dukes)
RALPH: Listen, I'd really like to thank you folks for all your hospitality.
LUKE: Don't mention it. We was just glad we was able to help out.
(Bo notices Ralph is wearing the suit under his clothes)
BO: Uh, Ralph, I doubt you'll run into any trouble leavin' town. I think it's safe to take your suit off for a while.
RALPH: Well, Bo, it's not trouble leaving town I'm worried about. It's the ride cross-country. The way Bill likes to wave his badge in people's faces, he brings new meaning to the word "flasher".
(the Dukes laugh)
BILL: Ok, Ralph, that's enough jokes for one caper. Come on, we gotta get goin'. Carlisle's gonna bite my head off as it is when we get back.
RALPH: You folks take care.
(Ralph and Bill get in their car and drive away. The Dukes wave)
scene freezes
BLLADEER: Y'all realize it's only 8 o'clock in Hazzard? The Dukes got all day to get themselves into another mess. Shoot. I'd kinda like to stick around and see if they can top this one.
THE END