The Greatest Hazzardian Hero
Written by: Keith "Goodolboy"
(Opening shot of a tan sedan driving along the back roads approaching Hazzard.)
BALLADEER: Now, friends and neighbors, if you're lookin' for a slow ride, then y'all best look elsewhere. Cause this one's gonna move fast right from the get-go.
(Switch to a view of the car's enterior. We see Bill Maxwell driving, with Ralph Hinkley in the passenger's seat)
BALLADEER: Now, the man behind the wheel is Bill Maxwell. He's a special agent for the FBI, outta California. The feds out there figured that, with his recent record, he was the best for the job of commin' down south and sniffin' out all the illegal moonshinin' bein' done. Which, ya know, is gonna mean trouble for the Dukes. I told this one was gonna move fast.
(switch to a close-up shot of Ralph. The top button of his shirt is undone, revealing the suit's cape underneath.)
BALLADEER: That blonde feller is Ralph Hinkley. He's a school teacher from the same part of California as the G-man. They've known each other about two years, now. The way they met is miiiight longer story than we got time for. Maxwell brought Ralph along with him hopin' that he could help him get the assignment over with quicker. Now, if y'all are wonderin' how a school teacher is gonna help a fed find a bunch of moonshine stills....well, ya see that funny-lookin' scarf Ralph's got around his neck? That ain't no scarf. Wait'll y'all see what he's got on under his clothes...
RALPH: Bill, could you explain to me just one more time, why the bureau flew you all the way down here to find a bunch of moonshine stills when the Atlanta FBI are perfectly capable of it?
BILL: Well, Ralph, officially it's because of how much my case record has shot up ever since the little green guys gave us the magic jammies.
RALPH: You mean me...
RALPH: Ever since the little green guys gave ME the magic jammies. The suit only works on me, Bill. You put it on, it's just a gawdy halloween costume.
BILL: A fact of which I am painfully aware, and you know how much I hate it when you bring it up....
RALPH: So, what do you think the real reason is that they sent you down here?
BILL: (very angrily)The real reason, Ralph, is that my boss, Carlisle, hates me and will take any and all opportunities to get me in the garbonzos when he knows I can't do anything about it!!
RALPH: Ok, so why am I here?
BILL: Oh, come on, Ralph! Think about it!! You get out there, use the suit to holograph in on all the moonshine stills, we bust the guys runnin' 'em and we go home! Simple!
RALPH: (frustrated) That's your plan, Bill?? That's why I'm here?! You know it doesn't work that way! I can't just spontaneously hone in on something. I gotta have something to get vibes off of.
BILL: Oh....yeah. Well....sorry, Ralph. But don't worry, kid. We'll figure out a way around that.
RALPH: (sighs and shakes head) I should've stayed home.
(Switch to Boss Hogg's favorite moonshine still, where he and Rosco are finishing up a batch to be sold to an out-of-town ridgerunner.)
BALLADEER: Up in the hills, trouble was a-brewin'....literally. Boss and Rosco was just finishin' a batch of shine that Boss had gotten a dealer to pay top dollar for.
BOSS HOGG: (laughing) Rosco, I can't believe I'm gettin' five hundred thousand semolians for one itty bitty little batch of shine.
ROSCO: Boss, I been thinkin'....
BOSS HOGG: Yeah, well, I knew I smelled somethin'...
ROSCO: Boss, five hundred thousand dollars is an aweful lot of money for one batch of shine. What if this guy's a revenuer?
BOSS HOGG: Oh, for heaven's sake, Rosco. I been doin' this for forty years, ain't I? Don't ya think I know a revenuer when I see one?
ROSCO: (making his usual noises) I hope so...
(Scene switches to Haazard Pond, where Bo and Luke walk toward the General Lee carrying a bucket full of freshly caught trout.)
BO: Well, looks like we caught enough trout for dinner. Don't ya think?
LUKE: You kiddin'? This aughtta last us a couple o' nights anyway.
BALLADEER: Bo and Luke was just finishin' up a fishin' trip to see what they could catch for supper. But, just as they was gettin' ready to go, guess who was headed down that very same road...
(Switch back to Ralph and Bill in the tan sedan. They pass the sign that reads "WELCOME TO HAZZARD COUNTY".)
RALPH: Hazzard County? That doesn't sound very encouraging.
BILL: Oh, come on, Ralph! There's nothin' to worry about. It's probably just a little hick town occupied by a bunch of farmers in dirty overalls, with chewin' tabacco dribblin' out the sides of their mouths. I mean, did ya get a look at that sign back there? "Hazzard County"...they can't even spell it right. Come on, Ralph. Relax.
(Switch back to Bo and Luke. Bo starts the General Lee while Luke slides through the window. Bill and Ralph approach in the tan sedan)
LUKE: Hit it...
(We see Ralph and Bill's view of the road as the General Lee pulls out in front of them)
RALPH: Bill, look out for that orange Charger!
(Bill slams on the brakes, but rear-ends the General Lee. Switch to Bo and Luke reacting)
BO: Where in the heck did that guy come from?!
LUKE: I don't know, but that ain't exactly important right now. You alright?
BO: Yeah, I'm fine. How bout you?
LUKE: No damage here. Let's make sure we can say the same for the General.
(We see a shot of both cars as Bo and Luke climb out of the General Lee and Ralph and Bill leave their car.)
RALPH: You guys alright? We're awefully sorry about that. We didn't see you in time to slow down.
BILL: Step aside, Ralph. I'll handle this. They're the ones that aughtta be sorry. They commited the crime, not us.
BO: We commited the crime?? You're the dang fool that just rear-ended us!!
LUKE: That's a fact! If anybody commited a crime around here, it's you!
BILL: Oh, yeah? How's "Failure to indicate before entering a lane of traffic" for ya, huh?
LUKE: "Failure to"....first of all, there ain't no lanes on the road! It's a dirt road! And second, barrin' you, we're probably the first ones on this road in about three days! So there sure as heck wasn't no traffic!
BO: Yeah, and besides, who in the heck do you think you are to be tellin' us the law?!
RALPH: (covering his hace with his hand) Bill, please don't badge 'em....
BILL: (pulling his ID out of his jacket) You wanna know who? I'll tell ya who (flashes ID to Bo and Luke) Maxwell! FBI!!
RALPH: Bill, before you sentence these boys to death row for a traffic accident, could I see you over here for a minute, please? (Ralph waves his finger toward the back of their car) Fellas, can you give me just a minute to talk to my friend, here? I think I can straighten this whole thing out.
(Bo and Luke give no response. They both lean against the General Lee to show that they are waiting. Ralph and Bill walk to the back of their car.)
BILL: Ralph, what are you doin' to me here? I hate it when you undermind my authority like this! You make me look like I just fell off the turnip truck!
RALPH: Authority?! Bill, you're a federal agent, not a traffic cop! Did you ever stop to think that, instead of harrassing these boys, we might be able to get them to help us? I mean, they're obviously locals, they can probably help us out so we can get this job done faster and get home sooner. After all, this is what you want, isn't it? That's why you brought me, right?
BILL: Yeah, and that's exactly why we don't need those two. As long as we got you and the suit, that's the only lead we need.
(Ralph pulls his wallet out of his pocket and pulls out his credit card.)
RALPH: You see that, Bill?
BILL: Yeah, it's your credit card. So what? What about it?
RALPH: There's enough in this account to buy me a plane ticket back home. And that's exactly what I'll do if you don't let me try to get those boys to help us.
BILL: (frustrated) Ralph, come on, that's blackmail!
RALPH: (smirking) I learned from the best.
(Ralph walks back to Bo and Luke)
BILL: I hate this! I really hate this!!
RALPH: (to Bo and Luke) Boys, listen, I'm really sorry about all this. Don't worry about the accident. We'll pay for all your repairs. I apologize for my friend, back there. He doesn't do too well in small towns.
LUKE: (smiling) Don't sweat it. (Shakes Ralph's hand) My name's Luke Duke. This here's my cousin, Bo.
RALPH: Hi, I'm Ralph Hinkley. (scratching his head) And, well....you've met my friend, Bill.
BILL: Well, Ralph, is all quiet on the western front here?
RALPH: Bill, I'd like you to meet Bo Duke....
BILL: Bo? Geez, you guys really have names like that down here, huh? Nifty.
RALPH: ....and this is his cousin, Luke Duke.
BILL: Oh, and yours rhymes. Ain't that cute....Ralph, can we get on with this and get outta here, please?
RALPH: Listen, fellas, we're actually in town on very important government business. We'd really appreciate it if you could show us where to find the police commissioner. And while we're at it, I'm sure we could find time to drop your car off at a garage for repairs.
LUKE: Shouldn't be too hard, seein' as how they're across the street from each other. We'll drop the General off at Cooter's, then we'll take ya to meet Boss Hogg.
BILL: (mumbling) Cooter?....Boss Hogg?....(sarcastically) Boy, this place just keeps gettin' better and better...
(Bo and Luke climb into the General Lee while Ralph and Bill get into their car)
RALPH: Well, Bill, I hope you learned something from all this just now...
BILL: Oh, yeah, I definitely learned somethin', Ralph. I learned that every stereotype I ever heard about these people is one hundered percent true. So, let's just drop these two country bumpkins and their little clown car off at the garage and go have a little chat with the town's head honcho. Hey, how did you know that thing was a Charger, anyway?
RALPH: Are you kidding me? When my students aren't with me, they're in auto shop. Cars are all they ever talk about.
BILL: Oh, yeah, your little group of caged animals...well, outta the zoo and into the jungle, huh, Ralph? ha ha...
BALLADEER: Now, Boss didn't know it, but he was about to become a might popular. While he and Rosco were headed back to the court house, the boys was takin' Ralph and his G-man friend to see him,...
(Scene changes to another dirt road heading toward Hazzard. We see a big black sedan moving quickly toward town. Switch to an interior shot of the car. In the back seat is a portly man with dark hair and a mustache, wearing a black, three-piece suit.)
BALLADEER: And, on another road commin' into town, Boss's big buyer, Joe Barnes was plannin' on a little meetin' of his own....with a lot more than shine on his mind.
DRIVER: Mr. Barnes, I don't mean to tell you how to run your business, but don't you think this plan of yours is a little risky? I mean, what if this Hogg guy figures out what we're up to?
BARNES: Are you serious? That fat hick and his idiot sheriff don't suspect a thing.
DRIVER: What about the feds, sir? What if they find out?
BARNES: The feds are exactly the reason I'm doin' this, Johnson! If by any slim chance, we get caught makin' the run, the penalty for runnin' shine ain' nuthin' compared to the penalty for smugglin' guns across the boarder. Don't you worry about a thing, though. I spread enough green around to the feds in Atlanta that we shouldn't have any trouble at all. The decoy is just a little insurance, that's all.
DRIVER: But, sir, five hundred thousand dollars for a decoy?
BARNES: I saw Hogg's greed the second I laid eyes on him. I knew if I threw a big enough number at him, he wouldn't ask any questions. Besides, five hundred grand is peanuts compared to the millions we're gonna make off those guns!
(Scene switches to a typical shot of Bo and Luke in the General Lee. Bo looks over at Luke, curious about the somber look on his face)
BO: Hey, Luke, what's eatin' atcha?
LUKE: Somethin' ain't right about Ralph and Bill.
BO: Well, Bill ain't too much of a charmer, but Ralph seems ok to me...
LUKE: That ain't what I'm talkin' about. You notice how quick Bill was to flash his badge in our faces?
BO: Yeah, but all G-men love to flash their badges around like that. (smirks) Makes 'em feel important.
LUKE: See, that's just what I mean. Bill badged us, but Ralph didn't. Matter of fact, he just said they were here on government business. He never said he was a G-man.
BO: Well, when we get to Cooter's, we'll just ask 'em. That's all.
LUKE: (shaking his head) Nah, that might scare 'em off. I think our best bet is just to keep an eye on 'em and see what they're up to. Cause I'll tell ya right now, they're as mismatched a pair as a fox and a hound.
(Scene switches to Cooter's, where the General Lee and Bill and Ralph's sedan pull up)
BALLADEER: The boys pulled up at Cooter's with Ralph and Bill in tow. Luke had some right quick thinkin' to do if he was gonna try to figure out Ralph's connection to the FBI.
COOTER: Hey, y'all! I thought you two was fishin'. What brings ya to this neck of the woods?
LUKE: Well, we had a little fender bender with those two guys that pulled in behind us. We brought the General over to get his rear end fixed.
BO: Yeah, and get this, Cooter....they're a couple of G-men.
COOTER: Ya don't say....
LUKE: Well, one of 'em is. I ain't so sure about the other.
(Ralph and Bill approach)
RALPH: (shaking Cooter's hand) Hi, Ralph Hinkley. Pleasure to me you, mr....?
COOTER: Cooter Davenport, likewise. Which one of you two's the fed?
BILL: That would be me! (flashes his badge) Bill Maxwell, FBI!
COOTER: Nice to meet ya, Mr. Maxwell. but you can put that badge away. Ain't nuthin' goin' on here but a little shade-tree auto repair.
LUKE: Speakin' of which, Cooter, how long do ya think it'll take you to fix the General?
COOTER: Well, from what I can tell, it don't look too bad. Shouldn't take me more'n an hour or so.
RALPH: Hey, terrific. While we're waiting, do you think you boys could take us to see this Boss Hogg you were telling us about?
BILL: Ralph, are you nuts?? I can't bring these two on official government business! If Carlisle ever found out, he'd have my badge for breakfast!!
LUKE: Look, it don't matter anyway cause that's the county court house over there (points across the street) and that's Boss Hogg pullin' up now. (points to Boss Hogg getting out of Rosco's car)
RALPH: Alright. Fantastic. Listen, Bill, while Cooter takes care of the damage to Bo and Luke's car, why don't you and I go over and see if Mr. Hogg and the Sheriff can give us any answers...
(Bill gives Ralph a very serious look)
RALPH: What's wrong?
BILL: (his expression turn to a frustrated and beaten one) Oh, nothin'. I'm just tryin' to figure out exactly when I lost control of this whole scenerio, that's all...
RALPH: (pretending to ponder) I figure about two years ago. (smirks and starts walking away)
BILL: Real cute, Ralph. Just keep the jokes commin'.
(Ralph and Bill start to cross the street to approach Boss Hogg and Rosco)
RALPH: So, what do you think, Bill? Still think all country people are the same?
BILL: Are you kiddin' me? I'm still tryin' to get over the fact that the mechanic has all his teeth.
RALPH: (shaking his head) You're unbelievable, Bill. You really are.
(switch back to Bo, Luke, and Cooter)
BO: So, Luke, how ya figure you're gonna find out if you're right or not?
LUKE: I ain't gonna have to. He don't know it, but Bill just told me I'm right. Y'all happen to notice that he said somebody named Carlisle would have HIS badge, not THEIRS. Which means Ralph ain't got no badge cause he ain't no fed.
COOTER: So, ya figure maybe Maxwell ain't really a g-man?
LUKE: Nah, his badge looked real. It's Ralph that I wanna keep an eye on. I got a feelin' there's a lot more to him than either of them has any intention of tellin' us.
COOTER: Hey, Lukas, I can see them wheels crankin' in your head a lot more than you're lettin' on. What's on yer mind?
LUKE: Bill's ID is from California. Now whaddaya reckon is so special about him that the FBI flew him all the way out here from L.A. instead of just sendin' someone up from Atlanta.....?
BO: How do you figure on findin' out?
LUKE: Should be pretty simple....seems to me, we know a lawman out that way.
BO: Heck, yeah! Hey, let's go give him a call!
LUKE: Cooter, you mind?
COOTER: Be my guest. Meantime, I'm gonna get to work on the General.
(Switch to Ralph and Bill approaching Boss Hogg and Rosco)
BILL: Scuse us a minute, boys. We need to talk to ya. Official government business. (flashes badge) Maxwell, FBI.
BOSS HOGG: (shaking Bill's hand, overdoing kindness) Well, how do you do, Mr. Maxwell? Pleasure to meet ya. (offers hand to Ralph) And who might you be?
BILL: This is my partner, Ralph Hinkley.
BOSS HOGG: (shaking Ralph's hand) How do you do, sir?
RALPH: Just fine, tha....(Ralph pauses as he gets vibes from Boss Hogg.)
(Ralph focuses on Boss Hogg's white shirt and sees a holograph of the moonshine still they have just come back from)
BOSS HOGG: (confused) What are ya starin' at? I got somethin' on my shirt?
BILL: (realizing what is happening) Uh, Ralph, you wanna stay with the program here, please? (to Boss Hogg) Sorry about the kid. We both been workin' double and triple shifts lately. He's just day dreamin'. That's all.
RALPH: (shaking his head) Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to zone out like that.
ROSCO: (extending his hand to Ralph) And I'm sheriff Roscoooooo P. Coltrane at your service.
RALPH: Hi, nice to meet y...
(Ralph pauses and gets the same holograph off Rosco. Rosco waves his hand in front of Ralph's eyes. Ralph snaps out of the holograph)
ROSCO: Boy, you really do need sleep. (makes his noises)
BILL: Uh, Gentlemen, why don't we meet you inside in a few minutes. I think maybe I'm gonna get my friend, here, a cup of coffee to wake him up.
BOSS HOGG: (overdoing kindness again) Yeah, you do that. Coffee shop's right down the street.
BILL: (hastily) Great. Spectacular. We'll see ya in a few minutes, then. Come on, Ralph.
(Ralph and Bill leave. Boss Hogg panics and drags Rosco inside. Switch to Ralph and Bill walking)
BILL: Alright, Ralph, I know that look when I see it. What did you see?
RALPH: Well, Bill, if I'm right about what I saw....this isn't going to be the cakewalk we thought. When I shook hands with the commissioner, I saw a still somewhere in the woods. And when I shook the sheriff's hand, same thing.
BILL: Ralph, there's a lot of different kinds of stills, y'know. Was it a moonshine still or somethin' else?
RALPH: How do I know?! I've never seen a moonshine still before. I don't know what they look like.
BILL: Alright, well, for the time being we have to assume that they're as guilty of illegal moonshinin' as anyone else around here. Boy, corrupt small-town law....does this place have ANY intention of provin' me wrong?!
RALPH: Bill, I just had a horrible thought. I'm ashamed of myself for making this assumption because they seem so nice, but....
BILL: But you're thinkin' those two farm boys back there could be moonshiners, too. Nuttin' to be ashamed of, Ralph. I was thinkin' the same thing and we're probably both right. We'll find out for sure when we go back to pay for their car.
RALPH: Yeah, as much as I hate doing it, I guess I'll have to holograph off one of them and find out.
BILL: (stopping in the road) Wait a second, Ralph...you shook hands with both of 'em back on that dirt road. Didn't you get anything like you did off of that Hogg guy and the sheriff?
RALPH: Unfortunately, no. I didn't have my shirt sleeves rolled up like I do now. Part of the suit has to be exposed if I want to holograph off anything. I don't know why, but that's how it seems to work.
BILL: Y'know, Ralph, as much as I hate dealin' with the little green guys, sometimes I wish we could trade the suit in for an upgraded model.
(Switch to Boss Hogg's office inside the county court house. Boss Hogg eneters, dragging Rosco by his tie)
ROSCO: JEE JEE!! Boss, could ya let go, please? Yer scuffin' my neck!
BOSS HOGG: Rosco, you got any idea how much trouble we're in right now??
ROSCO: (choking) Well, right now, Boss, things are getiin' kinda dark.
BOSS HOGG: (lets go of Rosco's tie) Oh, for heaven's sake! Rosco, if you got a brain cell in that thick skull of yours, now's the time to use it! I can't afford to have no FBI men snoopin' around when I'm in the middle of the biggest shine deal of my career!! What am I gonna do??
ROSCO: Probably the same thing you always do...
(Boss looks very perplexed)
ROSCO: Make up somethin' to send them two FBI men on a wild goose chase, then find a way to pin the whole thing on the Dukes.
BOSS HOGG: (laughing his maniacal laugh) Rosco, you're a genius! (laughs more)
ROSCO: Ooooooohhhhhh! I appreciate that! But, Boss, could I ask for one little itty bitty favor? Could ya fill me in on the wild goose chase before the FBI men show up? I hate lookin' like a dipstick when you lie to people.
(Ralph and Bill arrive. Bill knocks on the door)
BILL: Anybody in there? It's Maxwell.
BOSS HOGG: Come right on in, Mr. Maxwell.
(Bill starts to open teh door, then notices Ralph's sleeves)
BILL: Uh, Ralph, you wanna hide the jammies, please? I got enough problems already without havin' you tune out on me.
(Ralph rolls his shirt sleeves down as he and Bill enter Boss Hogg's office.)
BILL: (to Boss and Rosco) Afternoon, Boys. I don't have a lot of time, so I'll make this short and sweet. My partner and I will be conducting our investigation here in Hazzard over the next couple of days. We won't be leaving til the sitation is resolved to our personal satisfaction. I don't think I need to remind you that, as county officials, it's your obligation to assist us in any way you can. So, if either of you knows anything about illegal moonshining taking place in this town, now's the time.
BOSS HOGG: Oh, we can help ya sniff out the illegal moonshinin' alright, but uh....howcome the FBI sent you two out here all the way from California when we got the Atlanta FBI just down the road a piece?
RALPH: (saving Bill) Well, Mr. Hogg...Sheriff Coltrane...unfortunately, that's classified goverment information that neither of you is cleared to know. But rest assured that we have no intention of stepping on anyone's toes. We will respect your authority in every way. (smiles politely)
BILL: Now, you said you could help us out?
BOSS HOGG: Oh, yes indeed, we can! (gets up and walks over to the window) Y'see those two boys over at the garage?
RALPH: (looking out the window) Yes. That's Bo and Luke Duke. We met them earlier.
BOSS HOGG: Yeah, well, they're part of the most active moonshinin' family in all of Hazzard!
BALLADEER: Uh huh...I saw that commin', too.
BILL: If they are and you know it, why haven't they been busted yet?
ROSCO: He has a point, Boss.
BOSS HOGG: Oh, will you hush up, please?! (to Bill) Y'see the reason they haven't been apprehended yet is because we ain't been able to catch 'em red-handed. Them Dukes are CRAFTY! You're gonna hafta sneak up on 'em!
BILL: Alright, I've heard enough. (turns to leave) We'll keep ya posted, boys. Come on, Ralph.
(Ralph and Bill exit)
ROSCO: Boss, ya really think they fell for that story about the Dukes?
BOSS HOGG: Well, how in blazes am I supposed to know that? They just left didn't they? We're gonna have to just keep an eye over at Cooter's til we see 'em take off. If they follow the Dukes. THEN we'll know!
(Switch to Ralph and Bill exiting the court house)
BILL: Ralph, I gotta hand it to ya, that was really quick thinkin', tellin' those two they're not cleared to know about us. Top-notch performance, kid.
RALPH: Jee, thanks, teach. So, you think the Dukes are really a big moonshining family or are the mayor and the sheriff just playing possum?
BILL: Playin' what??
RALPH: Playing possum, y'know....throwing us off the trail.
BILL: Ralph, we've only been in this town an hour and you're already talkin' like them! Don't do that to me! And roll your sleeves back up, will ya?! I don't wanna have to run this scenerio twice.
Switch back the Cooter's, where Bo and Luke are waiting for Cooter to finish fixed the General Lee)
BALLADEER: By now, the boys had made their call to Enos out in California to find out if Ralph and Bill really were what they said. Enos told 'em he wasn't sure what he'd be able ta find, but he promised he'd snoop around and find out all he could. Friends, ya can take the boy outta Hazzard.....
(Ralph and Bill approach)
RALPH: Well, boys, your car sure looks a lot better than it did an hour ago. I'm glad the damage wasn't serious.
LUKE: Don't mention it. The General's taken harder hits than that in his time.
BILL: Well, as much as my partner and I would love to stick around and chat with you fellas, we got important government business to take care of, like we told ya before.
(Ralph extends his hand to shake with Luke)
BALLADEER: Now, y'all saw what happened when Ralph shook hands with Boss and Rosco. Wadda y'all reckon's gonna happen with the Dukes? Kinda makes ya wish Luke had washed his hands in the last hour, don't it....
End Act 1
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