2004 HNet Presidential Election
October 27, 2004
SIX HAZZARD COUNTY RESIDENTS VIE FOR THE PRESIDENCY OF
THE UNITED STATES
Well folks we’re just under a week away from what may turn out to be the biggest election the US has seen in a long, long time. The candidates have been running statistically in a dead heat. The nation appears to be bitterly divided and polarized on every issue. Both sides have accused the other of lying, cheating and buying their way to the top. Both sides have accused the other of being inept, unfit for command, flip flopping and rambling morons. Frankly, things look pretty dire.
Not here at HNet! We’ve decided to offer our OWN candidates for the Presidency! And we want YOU to cast your vote for the next President of the United States right here! Right now!
We have six candidates running. That’s right six candidates all with different degrees of experience and with varied platforms. Take a look at the campaign posters and short write ups below and cast your vote for the next President of the United States (Hazzard style!)
Candidates, in alphabetical order by last name…
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The Doc’s interview….
Doc Appleby
HazzardNet: Doctor, you’re the surprise entrant to this presidential race. What prompted you to put your hat in the ring?
Doc Appleby: Well I felt I had to do something. I’ve been a doctor for a very long time it just seems that as I look around, more and more folks are unable to get the health and medical care they need. But more than that, our country seems to need some healing of it’s own.
HazzardNet: What condition would you put on the nation, as a patient? Is the United States going through a temporary illness….that would be cured with the right treatment? Or is it more of a cancer, needing immediate measures, if the patient is to survive?
Doc Appleby: I’d put it at a temporary illness, although a serious one. We as Americans, have it within ourselves the medicine needed to help cure the ailment but I think we need someone in the White House who can bring that elixer together.
HazzardNet: And with you as that someone, what would be your prescription for a better America?
Doc Appleby: Keeping jobs here at home, making healthcare accessible to everyone, not just affordable, ensuring that our children get the quality education they need, and making sure that America can protect it’s own and take care of it’s own against any threat from anywhere in the world.
HazzardNet: That’s a tall order, Doctor….and though everyone would agree with those treatments, it calls for a lot of intenstive therapy. If there was a single shot of penicillin that you could administer, to cure any one of those symptoms….where would you apply it?
Doc Appleby: I think I would put it to jobs. If I put people to work right here in the US, if they earn a good wage then I have a start to the healing process and I believe from there we can work to heal other things in our country.
HazzardNet: Sounds like practical medicine to us. That’s about all the time we have, Doctor…do you have any closing remarks for our voters?
Doc Appleby: I’d just like to say that the medicine is only good if it’s prescribed and the only way it can be prescribed is if folks go to the polls and vote.
HazzardNet: There you have it, folks! Doc Appleby reminds you that the cure for America begins with a single vote. Yours!
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Rosco’s interview….
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane
HazzardNet: Awright. Sheriff Coltrane, please share your position and viewpoints with our community.
Rosco: Uh….well…um…my position on what?
HazzardNet: How you stand on the issues
Rosco: Oh. Um…..which issues would that be?
HazzardNet: Let’s name some and help you out. What would you do about income taxes?
Rosco: Oh! Awright, now we’re gettin’ somewhere heah….I’d do away with income taxes! You know how much Boss Hogg withholds from my paycheck each week? ‘course then he withholds that from the government…
HazzardNet: As attractive as that sounds to us voters…..how would you fund highways, schools, and pay for our nation’s defense, without any income taxes?
Rosco: Um…yes, how would I fund all that stuff? Uh….I haven’t quite figured that out yet.
HazzardNet: Federal parking meters, perhaps?
Rosco: Oooh! That’s a great idea!
HazzardNet: Glad to help. Okay, you obviously have a vested interested in law enforcement. How would you reduce crime in our nation today?
Rosco: I’ve been Sheriff for over 30 years and one of things I’ve always believed is you need a good Sheriff’s department to do your job. So I’d put more officers and deputies on the streets. Also, the kids, you know….you gotta teach them the difference between right and wrong, otherwise they ain’t gonna know no better….
HazzardNet: Yes, and it’s often been said that Hazzard needs a good Sheriff’s department, so you’ve struck a chord with voters everywhere on that one. So law enforcement and education are your priorities, from the sounds of it. Here’s a tough question for you….how do you feel about the lack of adequate pension plans and retirement funds for workers today?
Rosco: Well that’s a serious issue. I know how hard it is when you work a lot of hard, long, underpaid years and what little bit of a pension you were going to get for retirement is taken away or is reduced. If elected, I would make sure those pension plans and retirement funds are adequate for workers and stay adequate.
HazzardNet: How?
Rosco: For one thing I’d make it so any pension plans or retirement funds set up can’t be taken away from anyone. And…..I guess I’d put in more of those parking meters…
HazzardNet: You could also lower the Federal speed limit to 45 miles an hour, and increase ticket revenue.
Rosco: Oooh! That’s a terrific idea! Hey, uh….you wanna be my Vice President?
HazzardNet: Hmmm….what’s it pay?
Rosco: Uh well….what’s the President get paid?
HazzardNet: More than a Sheriff, we’re willing to bet. Except, if you completely eliminate income taxes, you may not be able to pay yourself. The parking meters and Federal speed traps are already spoken for. You could institute a Federal dog license, maybe…
Rosco: I think Flash might object to that…
HazzardNet: This could explain why Flash is running independent of your campaign. Well, that’s all the time we have for now, Sheriff Coltrane….do you have any closing remarks you’d like to share with the voters?
Rosco: Yes, I do. Vote for me! Please??
HazzardNet: There you have it, folks. Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane doesn’t just ask for your vote. He begs for it.
Rosco: Pretty please?
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Cooter’s interview….
Cooter Davenport
HazzardNet: Mr. Davenport, it’s often been said that you might be crazy, but you ain’t dumb. Entering this election might certainly prove the former. Tell us about the issues you’re most concerned about.
Cooter Davenport: Well I’m very concerned about the direction our country is going, in regards to jobs and the economy and in regards to how we’re seen on the world stage.
HazzardNet: So are we all. Mr. Davenport, as a small business owner, you’ve seen these things effect your own business as well as your customers. If the United States were a car that was brought to you for repairs…..would you say it needs an overhaul, or a tune-up?
Cooter Davenport: I would say it needs a serious tune up. What I see is that classic American car, built to survive and built to last and there’s an engine under that hood that was very strong and powerful once but wear and tear and some unfortunate neglect have taken it’s toll. That engine, however, still has the potential to blow every other car off the track at the Saturday night races, even the new fangle cars. But it needs that tune up to bring it back to it’s original glory.
HazzardNet: How would you rate America on the horsepower of it’s economy? And if it’s weak, how would you increase the performance?
Cooter Davenport: Well the horsepower’s been dragging a little bit. To give it a boost I would start by working to create more jobs in the economy.
HazzardNet: One of the first areas were American jobs starting losing traction, was the heavy importing of foriegn-built cars. Would you raise import fees to protect jobs? Or do you think it’s a matter of who can build the best car for the cheapest cost?
Cooter Davenport: I think it’s a matter of who can build the best car for the cheapest cost. Let’s be honest. Many foreign cars are some of the best built yet least expensive vehicles on the road. It would be easy to raise the import fees but then you run into the problem of the fact that some of these foriegn made cars are assembled here in the US, by foreign parts. If it becomes too expensive for the foriegn auto maker to get his parts into the country, he’s not going to be interested in keeping the American workers he’s got assembling his cars. What we need to do is find a way for American automakers to build quality, yet inexpensive vehicles here in the US, using parts made here in the US by US workers all across the board. And the problem there may be that some materials needed for the construction of parts may need to be imported and if the import fee is too high….
HazzardNet: So closing the borders to competition is not the answer. If anyone is in a global race for jobs….how can American workers make themselves the winners?
Cooter Davenport: American workers already have what it takes to be winners. They’re people who are educated, who can be trained to do these jobs or who already have the skills to do these jobs. What they don’t have is a company willing to pay them what they’re worth. Instead, these companies go overseas to employ people for pennies an hour. It’s the same product, using the same materials more n’ likely, but the big chunk of the cost is cut out of the wages that are paid to the workers. And some of these companies use that extra money that would have gone to pay a decent wage to a worker and they line their pockets with it. You know, like Boss Hogg!
HazzardNet: Indeed. Frankly, we’re suprised he doesn’t outsource the Hazzard County Sheriff’s Department, but let’s not give him the idea. Mr. Davenport, a final question. Do you think America is on the right road concerning taxes?
Cooter Davenport: No. I overheard the interview y’all did with Uncle Jesse, and I agree with him. We all have to pay to cover the cost of educating our children and keeping our cities and states running right. We all have that burden to share. And we should all share it fairly. And I think we need to take a good look out how we’re collectin’ them taxes and distributing them. I think things are a little out of balance.
HazzardNet: And certainly, you’d be a good choice for getting things back in alignment. Mr. Davenport, that’s all the time we have today….is there anything else you’d like to share with our voters?
Cooter Davenport: Well first I want to thank y’all here at HazzardNet for allowing each of us equal time and I want to remind everyone out there that, just as there’s is not bolt to a car that isn’t important, there is no vote cast that isn’t important. So make sure y’all get out there and vote!
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Jesse’s interview…
Jesse Duke
HazzardNet: Mr. Duke, your popularity and respect in Hazzard County is well known. What made you want to run for President, at a time when respect within the political arena seems to be falling by the wayside?
Jesse Duke: Bein’ president of the U. S. of A. takes more than havin’ a good television face and a buncha money. Nowadays, runnin’ for president is a celebrity contest of wealthy attorneys who ain’t got honest jobs. That’s why us common folk have been forgotten. Well, common folk built this country and common folk decide the direction of this country. I’m here to remind everybody of that.
HazzardNet: Now there’s some refreshing truth right there. You speak of the wealthy attorneys who don’t have honest jobs. For several years now, many US jobs have been shipped overseas in favor of cheaper labor. If elected President, what would you do about this?
Jesse Duke: First of all….folks need to remember that there’s a difference between a job, and havin’ work, and havin’ a trade of yer own. Why, back in colonial times, young folk worked hard as apprentices to learn trades that led to their own business. Other folks worked hard to cultivate the land and build their own security for their family. Ya didn’t rely on a factory to keep you in a paycheck. You relied on yerself. Once folks started relyin’ on factories for their livin’, they forgot the value of havin’ real know-how. Americans started losin’ pride in their work…and we been losin’ jobs overseas for decades. We’re just losin’ ‘em quicker, now…and the only thing that will stop it, is good-ol’ American ingenuity, and folks puttin’ effort back into their own enterprises.
HazzardNet: And that would not be just the workers puttin’ the effort back in, but the company heads and CEO’s as well, especially in this post-Enron and Arthur Anderson world we live in…?
Jesse Duke: There’s been nothin’ more expensive to this country than it’s loss of intergrity. We can’t hold onto nothin’ else without it.
HazzardNet: All the best machines and automated systems can’t replace pride of workmanship. In addition to working to bring more of the jobs back here to US, what else would you do in regards to such issues as income taxes and social security?
Jesse Duke: Here’s the thing on taxes. Used to be, folks was taxed what was fair. Then, everybody decided that it wasn’t fair if they paid taxes. We all share the burden of education’ our young folk, n’ keepin’ the roads good, n’ takin’ care of our needy. But then more taxes keep gettin’ added on’, cause they’re gettin’ taken away from some other category. We got income tax, sales tax, gasoline tax, estate tax, and of course…liquor tax. For all the money we collect, you’d think there’d be plenty to go around. But they’re ain’t, ’cause we make exceptions for one group and then have to charge more somewhere else. Far as Social Security goes…..
….the US of A made a promise to take care of it’s elderly, and that promise needs to be kept. At one time, there was plenty of money in that there Federal account…but then it got borrowed from. Looks like there won’t be anythin’ left, by the time kids yer age are ready to retire. You can’t rely on the generosity of yer employers, neither….and if the stock market is your only hope, it ain’t much of one. I’m tellin’ you, it’s a problem that has no easy answer…it comes down to everyone payin’ their fair share. Otherwise, there’s gonna be more poor Americans than we ever thought possible.
HazzardNet: And clearly these are issues that need to be addressed as soon as possible and not put off any longer. Well, we’re just about out of time here, but before we wrap do you have any final thoughts you would like to share with the voters?
Jesse Duke: Yes. I’d like to tell everybody to git out there and vote. The future depends on it.
HazzardNet: There you have it folks! Jesse Duke gives us the no nonesense truth of the matter of this election. Your vote really does count!
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Boss’s interview…
Boss Jefferson Davis Hogg
HazzardNet: Mr. Hogg, please share your position and viewpoints with our community.
Boss: Having been Hazzard County Commissioner for longer than anybody cares to remember, I’ve taken control of all kinds of goverment concerns. When elected, I’ll run the United States Federal government just like I’ve run Hazzard County!
HazzardNet: Um…yeah. Okay, how would you control income taxes?
Boss: I’ll see to it that every American pays less to the government than they ever did. Onconna they’ll pay directly to me.
HazzardNet: That may be the most honest thing you’ve ever said, and we admire you for it. Alright, how would you create jobs in this economy?
Boss: I’d grow jobs the way I always have! By firing all the ungrateful freeloaders on the payroll, and hiring ambitious convicts who are happy to do the work. Without asking nosy questions, I might add!
HazzardNet: Er…very innovative, Mr. Hogg. How would you treat increases in the miminum wage?
Boss: I’d raise the minimum wage by 50 percent of 50 percent of 50 percent…and I’d keep it up until nobody was making minimum wage anymore.
HazzardNet: Wouldn’t take long, with a plan like that. What other compelling reasons can you give our voters to select you for President?
Boss Hogg: I’ve got more money to spend on campaign advertisements. You’ll see a lot more of my face next election, if you don’t make me President now!
HazzardNet: Excellent point, Mr. Hogg. There you have it, folks! J.D. Hogg asks for your vote.
Boss: Bah! I don’t ask for it. I demand it!
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Flash’s interview…
Flash
HazzardNet: Okay… .Flash, we’d like to begin by asking you to share your position and viewpoints with our community.
Flash: WOOF!!
HazzardNet: Short and sweet. I think the voters can relate to that. Now, tell us what would you do about income taxes?
Flash: GRRRRRRRRR!!
HazzardNet: Would you go so far as to abolish the current tax code?
Flash: *scratches behind ear* *chews on tail*
HazzardNet: How about revamping it?
Flash: *turns around in a circle*
HazzardNet: We’ll take that as a maybe. Okay, what would you do to create more jobs?
Flash: *whines through nose*
HazzardNet: I see. A comprehensive plan. The voters will appreciate that. Would you raise the minimum wage?
Flash: ARF!! ARF!! *wags tail*
HazzardNet: Eight dollars an hour?
Flash: Yiii! Yiiii! Yiiii! *tucks tail between legs*
HazzardNet: Not quite that high eh? Awright then. Tell us, Flash, what is your view on the idea of a Federal dog license?
Flash: GRRRRROWL!! *bites ankle of interviewer*
HazzardNet: AAAH!! %#&*!! —-* EDITED FOR CONTENT* — I can see that’s a sensitive issue. Okay, moving right along here, one final question. How do you purpose to deal with crime?
Flash: ARRRROOOO!!! *sniffs along the floor, then points*
HazzardNet: A tough stance on crime. That comes as no surprise given your background in law enforcement. Okay, that’s all the time we have now. Any final thoughts you’d like to share with us?
Flash: BARK!! *sits up, offers paw*
HazzardNet: Well you’re very welcome. *shakes paw* And thank you for spending a few moments with us. Well, folks, there you have it. Flash will be sniffing out your vote on election day.
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CAST YOUR VOTE!! Polls are open now until midnight, November 2nd. Vote early! But you can only vote once! No stuffing the ballot box!
(Disclaimer: All candidates have been given equal air time here at HNet. HNet does not endorse any one candidate over another. Boss Hogg was unable to buy our votes. Flash attempted to eat our votes. All votes will be held in confidence and the results will be posted on November 3rd. We’re the HNet staff and we approve this message…)
November 3, 2004
JESSE DUKE WINS
HNET PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!
Former moonshiner runs away with 50% of the vote!
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane comes in second with 22% of the vote!
Other tallys….
Boss Hogg and Flash tied for third with 11% each
Doc Appleby recieved 5%
Cooter Davenport received 1%
A huge thank you to all that participated! =)
